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The most important part of dating for men is maintaining a good attitude, and a correct attitude. It's one thing to not be bitter when you face rejection and your fears with women, but it's another to make sure that you're keeping up your posture.
In short, your posture is your overall status level with a woman. Your posture can range from total supplicating wimp on the left end of the scale, and hardcore self-interested jerk on the far right. You are shooting for something a bit over to the right of center when you first start dating a gal, and you ease off until you are at a good equilibrium somewhere near the middle.
One of the most effective tactics for letting a woman know that you are self-confident is by showing her that you are not the kind of guy who takes whatever is handed to him. You have standards, and she has to live up to them.
The tactic I'm about to teach you is exceptionally effective, as it communicates your posture right away. (This technique is also an excellent variation of the "neg-hit" or negative hit technique where you let a woman know she isn't getting any breaks for being attractive.)
The Point System goes a little like this:
John is at a bar with Mary, who he just started talking to. He's been talking to her for a few minutes, and there seems to be a good vibe. Here's their interaction:
John: "So, I've always thought of snowboarding as more free-form than skiing. You can do quite a bit more freestyle activity. Of course a lot of skiers tend to complain about snowboarders."
Mary: "Sure. I've been skiing all my life, and I've never really had any problem with 'boarders. They're like the hippies of the slopes."
John: (Nodding.) "Hmm. That's a good analysis. You just scored a few points with me. I might be seen skiing with you." (smile)
John: "Let's see, the best movie I've seen lately was 'Daredevil.' I think Ben Affleck handled the role very well.
Mary: "Oh, I saw that last weekend, too. I liked it a lot, too."
John: (Looking impressed) "Wow! I'm impressed. You scored some points there. A woman who appreciates a good super hero movie."
Now, you see what is happening here: John made it clear that he is not out to win Mary's approval. She has to win HIS. By telling her that she scored some points with him, he's also telling her that he wasn't so sure about her. She has to WORK to gain some credibility with him. John comes across as more valuable since he is not a free commodity. He's sending a subtle communication to her that he is not like other guys.
Use this maybe once or twice in your conversation, and don't overdo it. The trick of this is to make sure that you aren't giving her too much confidence along the way by awarding her too many "points." She has to wonder where she stands with you. The best way to do this (and it's required to complete this strategy) is to take away points from her later in the conversation and see how she responds to the challenge.
Mary: "I'm not a big fan of Jackie Chan."
John: (Shaking his head.) "Uh-oh. I'm going to have to take a few points off for that. How can you not like Jackie?"
John just communicated his implied disapproval with her, and if Mary is at all interested in him, she'll come back with something to try and win those points back. If she wants John, she'll also want his approval.
There is always the danger of this tactic coming across as arrogant, so handle the delivery fairly delicately. It's best to have something to say immediately following the "You scored points" line so that it takes a little of the edge off and it's not hanging out there, waiting to be shot down.
Be aware that many women aren't used to having this kind of role reversal used on them. They will test you on it with a slightly indignant tone. "What? I'M scoring points? Ha!" (What she's saying without words is that she wants the control, and doesn't take kindly to your attempt to keep it.)
How do you handle this? To begin with, you must not act even slightly affected by her attempts to call you on it. If you lose your humor, or start to look uncertain, you'll have flunked the test, and she'll know that you were just posturing.
On the other hand, if you stand your ground, you can handle this without missing a beat. Your best strategy is to pause for a few seconds, while looking her in the eye, and then chuckle to yourself.
Then, when she says, "I'M scoring points!? Right, buster," you can say:
- "Hmm, up until then you were."
- "Uh-oh. Looks like the princess thinks I'm full of it. Maybe you're testing me."
- "Is this how you charm all the guys?"
- "Hmm. Now why would you say that?"
The best response to her test is a negative hit that lets her understand that 1) She doesn't intimidate you and you aren't backing down, and 2) you will do it politely and with a good sense of humor (no bitterness or resentment).
I, personally, will walk away from women who act indignant when I let them know that you're not a supplicating wimp. It's obvious at that point that she'll probably be high-maintenance from the start, and you can only expect that she'll have a death grip on the steering wheel of any dating relationship. She's inflexible, and probably a control freak with an over-inflated opinion of herself.
Used judiciously, the Point System will help you weed out the women with poor attitudes, as well as improve your posture in the eyes of the ones with good attitudes. Remember, no woman ever wants what comes easily, and if she expects you to bow to her superiority, you want nothing to do with her.
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This article has been reproduced with the permission of ©Carlos Xuma®.