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I got a letter recently that I thought was provoking and interesting. I think it's such a critical point that it needs to be reviewed and restated.
Guys, there is NO magic bullet in dating and attracting women - other than this:
If you are not successful with women right now, you need to LEARN MORE and PRACTICE MORE. And then leave no other option for yourself than success.
Bottom line: You must PERSIST.
No ifs, ands, or buts.
I've seen some not-very-attractive guys with such great game that they were always lining up a new lady. They were balding, slightly chubby men - not good looking. But they knew that one thing was going to override any appearance factors: Their ATTITUDE.
Are these guys getting as much sex as the gorgeous model guys? I suspect many probably are. There's also a distinct chance they might not be getting the supermodels to ride home with them in their Ferrari's the way some of the gorgeous model guys do.
A lot of guys will just throw their hands up at this and shriek, "Hey! What's the POINT then? If good looking guys get more sex and better looking women, then what gives?"
In fact, in the letter I got, the reader said this: "Like many other authors and dating experts you continue to overlook the fact that how you look and appear physically is the most important factor in success with beautiful women. I truly know this from first hand, real experience."
Now I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him:
Your "image" (how you dress, how well groomed you are, etc.) DOES matter.
But your looks do not matter all that much. I suspect many guys like you already know this. If you've ever seen a couple and thought, "HUH? What the hell does she see in HIM???" you know what I mean.
Let's just say for a minute that this is correct and physical appearance is THE most important factor.
What would that mean to you if this 'fact' were established as 100% correct? Would you give up trying to get with beautiful women if your looks weren't a "10"? Would that mean the "game is over"? No sex with good looking women for you? If the worst thing you suspected were true, *what would you do then?*
You'd have to do what millions of men have to do every day when they're faced with a challenge: You figure out a way around it.
Looks only get your foot in the door. She can still shove you out and slam the door shut.
I don't believe there are specific laws you can use that say "only beautiful women will sleep with beautiful men." Human relationships are not like math where you add up some numbers and always get the same result.
There is NO MAN who is a born or condemned failure with women - IF he's willing to get in there and persist. I did. I was a beaten-down "Nice Guy" who once endured a two-year dry spell that would have made a celibate monk weep in his cot at night.
Remember, it's easier to change yourself than the rest of the world. It's easy to accept an assumption rather than question it and change it in your life.
I happen to believe one fact COMPLETELY and without a doubt with respect to men's attitudes:
You will only attract the quality of woman into your life that your level of self-confidence will allow.
Did you catch that?
You will only attract the quality of woman that your current level of self-confidence will allow.
Sure, a guy who has average looks is not going to be as IMMEDIATELY appealing to a woman as a hot guy, but in what context? In the meat-market pickup clubs?
Remember this critical fact: HOW you look is less important than the way you make a woman feel.
Have you ever used hotornot.com? It's a Web site that lets you put your picture up and have it graded on a scale from 1 to 10. Go there and see what kind of ratings some pictures get. Some people's pictures vary anywhere from a 2 to a 10.
How can this be?
For two reasons:
1) Each woman's tastes are different. One woman's ugly is another's gorgeous.
2) You can put up a different picture with a different attitude and look - but the SAME person - and get completely different ratings. Even from the SAME woman!
How can THAT be?
Do this: Ask any woman you know to go through a set of pictures of you and have her help you pick out which one is most enticing. And then have her explain her choices to you.
Chances are she won't be able to, but the women that can will tell you it's all in the attitude (sexiness) you convey. Same person, just different attitudes.
The same thing happens in real life. Your appearance is directly influenced by your attitude.
So, back to the Truth: How you LOOK is less important than how you make her FEEL. But you do have to make the most of what you've got first so that she'll be interested enough to peek below the surface.
If you're not having more success with women right now, it's because something is still missing. I'll bet that I know what this is, too.
Every single guy I know who has improved his game with women has shirked off that bitter, whining attitude (that he can't get success because of this or that) and he just goes and DOES IT ANYWAY.
Remember that scene in Apollo 13 where Ed Harris talks about the situation and says, "Failure is not an option!" There was NO point in their problem solving that allowed them to throw their hands up and say, "Can't do it! Those guys are just going to have to die up there. We give up."
That's SO essential. You can't give yourself the option of failure, or you will probably take that option somewhere along the way.
There is ALWAYS a reason that you're not getting the success you want with women, and there is ALWAYS a solution.
So my message is this: The only people who fail in this world are those who PERSEVERE. There are plenty of guys who want to find this mystical magical combination of words that will "GET A WOMAN IN BED WITH YOU, TONIGHT!"
It doesn't exist, guys. It's what they used to call Snake Oil.
I'm here to tell you that you CAN have almost any woman you want, but you're going to have to learn and practice a hell of a lot more. It's not instantaneous. And there are no "six magic words" out there that are going to change that. The great Secret that you're all looking for is already in front of you:
ANY method will work, if you REALLY use it and work it. (And it's not as hard as you might imagine.)
Failure will NOT be an option.
If you employ these principles, and make her feel good about herself and you, you WILL be more successful.
Now get busy!
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This article has been reproduced with the permission of ©Carlos Xuma®.