***DATING QUESTION FROM A READER***
Why is it that a woman who is only interested in the funny, cocky and challenging (i.e., interesting) men, later in life tries to raise sons that are sweet, thoughtful and "nice"? (i.e., run of the mill)!!
WS New York
This is a VERY interesting question, and I'm glad you emailed me to ask it.
I'm going to give you my personal take on this. But, more importantly, I'm going to talk about how these kinds of paradoxes exist right in plain sight all around us... and how to interpret them so you can increase your own personal success with women and dating.
So, to answer your question first...
I've spent a lot of time researching this topic, and doing a lot of personal testing to see if I could find some answers.
Right now, as I write this, I think that it goes like this:
"Being Nice" in the way that you're describing, usually means things like: giving compliments, buying gifts, providing food, doing favors, tolerating emotional manipulation, pretending to be in a good mood even if you're not, etc.
I believe that this is mostly a SOCIALLY and CULTURALLY CONSTRUCTED set of "rules". There may be some "hard wiring" in us that makes us "naturally" want to do nice things for women so they'll give us approval, but I think it's mostly PROGRAMMED into us...
Now, think about it this way: These "nice" things are typically very FEMININE things to do...
So, what's a mom in today's culture going to teach her son?
Of course... how to be "nice" to girls.
And, what if there's no dad around to help out in the "training" of a son? You guessed it... even MORE "nice" programming from mom.
The bottom line is that most of the people walking around on this planet have NO IDEA how ATTRACTION works, and therefore will never be able to TEACH another person how this fabulous process works.
This includes mothers. Mom loved you and wanted the best for you, she just had no idea how to explain what makes women feel ATTRACTION. Mom may have gotten the tingles when she saw Clint Eastwood shooting everyone... and Neil Diamond running around with his sneer, hairy chest and that pickle in his jeans... (and that reminds me... EWWWWWW... your mom is gross, dude).
But, this doesn't mean that she can or would explain to her boy how to make this happen with other women!
OK. Let's talk about what we can actually LEARN from this kind of phenomenon.
The thing that really fascinates me about people is THEIR ABILITY TO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON... even though it's going on IN PLAIN SIGHT ALL AROUND THEM... and the even MORE amazing tendency to ARGUE VIOLENTLY WHEN one of these OBVIOUS THINGS IS PRESENTED TO THEM.
I've read some fascinating books about the concept of "self-deception", and I've come to realize that we humans have an amazing capacity for not seeing what's there... to the point where it can be very bad for us.
Like I just said, we often ARGUE about things that are OBVIOUS to others... which makes it even worse.
I need to stop ranting and raving, and land the plane on this one...
This mechanism is, of course, a survival mechanism that helps us to weed out all of the useless information that's coming in through our senses at any given time, but it can go overboard and prevent us from seeing USEFUL information as well.
Next Point: A lot of our cultural and social programming is "off-base" to some degree, which causes us to see things and interpret things incorrectly when we do see them.
Finally, we humans don't like to change our beliefs about things. We don't like to admit that we might be wrong in the first place, and we feel unstable or insecure when we realize that a fundamental truth we have held all our life is incorrect.
Lump all of this together, and you have moms who teach their sons the "proper" way to act and men who have NO IDEA how to be successful with women... and then women who REALLY get upset when you actually start teaching men what WORKS to attract women (for more evidence of this, just read some of these newsletters I'm sending you!)
Wow, I'm really going on an unusually intellectual rant today! Nice. This is making me feel pretty smart... I think I'll keep it up...
So, what's all this information good for?
Well, to start off, I think that it's important in life to continually question YOUR OWN beliefs about how things work and what is possible.
I think it's also good to constantly question your LIMITING beliefs.
Unfortunately, most people do the opposite... they question their ability to succeed and they doubt their own ability to get what they want.
Most people constantly "self-sabotage" themselves.
If instead, you question your LIMITATIONS and your LIMITING BELIEFS, and you constantly look with your own eyes to see if there's something going on that nobody mentioned to you, then you'll begin to see things that will blow your mind.
It took me about 4 or 5 years to realize that ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. But as soon as I say it, you can immediately get what I'm talking about, and maybe even have a profound realization that will lead to success.
The phrase "Attraction Isn't A Choice" makes you have the "ah ha" that you can't make a woman feel attraction for you by CONVINCING her... so you STOP.
Now, I didn't figure this out by having someone TELL it to me. I figured it out by questioning the things I was hearing, and by following my own intuition that there was a SOLUTION to this puzzle called "women and dating".
So, here's a "home work" assignment for you:
1 - Write down all of the things that SHOULD work when it comes to making women feel attracted to you. This might include buying gifts and food, giving constant compliments, and acting "nice".
2 - Write down your own personal experience of what ACTUALLY HAPPENS when you do these "socially correct things that mom taught you" with women.
3 - Pretend for a moment that everything you've been taught about women is wrong. Furthermore, pretend that women are actually wired in REVERSE. If this were true, what kinds of things would result in a woman feeling ATTRACTION for a man?
Does this open up some new possibilities for you?
I invite you to question "common sense" and "what your mother taught you" about women.
I also invite you to come and learn some of the VERY ILLOGICAL, YET INCREDIBLY POWERFUL techniques that I've learned, developed, refined, and described in my courses.
If you haven't downloaded your copy of my online eBook, "Double Your Dating", then you need to go and do that RIGHT NOW. You can download it and be reading it in just a few minutes from now.
P.S. If you'd like to send me a Success Story, Question, or Comment, follow these guidelines:
1) Keep it short and to the point. Two paragraphs max.
2) Tell me what's working for you before you ask your question. I appreciate all of the "Your stuff is great" and "I don't need to tell you how well your stuff works" comments, but the fact is that I DO need to hear all of the specifics... because this helps other guys to see what's working in different situations.
3) If you have a Success Story, write "Success Story" in the subject line of the email. I read these first.
4) At the end of the email, give me your initials and tell me where you're from.
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