I have bad news for two guys. But it will make their futures brighter...
***EMAIL from Kevin,
You said in an email that you should "Always support and nurture your woman's fantasies. Accept them and reassure her that you fully support her. Never judge her for her fantasies."
Well. This doesn't work for me. It seems like when I do, I am giving her too much power. Yeah, I don't want to be in a relationship like this. But I feel like I have to constantly be playing games with her. I enjoy playing games, but she is unable to trust fully. This is because of having a lot of bad experiences in the past.
To her, she has no fantasies really. The only ones she has are so incredibly lame and cardboard cut out. It's like her mind is unable to expand past what she has already preset for herself. I want to support her in expanding her horizons, but she is difficult. I know we can only work one step at a time, but these steps take so long.
When I first read your manual, the first girl I had sex with after that, I got her to open up real quick. Started with short clitoral orgasms, to long clitoral ones, to vaginal ones (she had never had them before), to mind orgasms, to 7 minute long vaginal orgasms... All of this was unreal to her, but she adapted. My current girlfriend doesn't adapt easily.
Is there any advice you can give me other than to find a new girl?
Now let me see if I understand this correctly...
You said that when you first read my manual, the first girl you had sex with after that, you got her to open up very quickly. You started with short clitoral orgasms, to long clitoral orgasms, to her first vaginal orgasm, to mind orgasms, to 7 minute long vaginal orgasms. And even though all of this was unreal to her, she adapted.
That's the way it's supposed to be!
But let's talk about your current girl.
You said that she is has had many bad experiences in her past. You did not say if those experiences were abuse in childhood, or abusive boyfriends.
If it was abuse in childhood, that is very sad and tragic. It may cause her to grow up with a low self-esteem.
If it was abusive boyfriends, you have to wonder why she selected them, and above that, stayed with them. It most certainly is an indication of low self-esteem.
In either case, it is certainly true that she will have trouble trusting.
Unfortunately, that is going to make things very difficult. And since she is always playing games with you, that is convincing evidence that she is low self-esteem.
And that means it will never work.
Why? Because a low self-esteem woman does not have the sense of deservedness enough to believe that she deserves happiness and harmony. They may tell you they do, but that is not what they respond to!
Women expect to be treated in the way that they believe they deserve to be treated.
A low self-esteem woman believes that she deserves to be treated poorly. She would never say that to you, but that's exactly what happens!
If you try to treat a low self-esteem woman well, she will eventually leave, because it is incongruent with what she believes she deserves.
So you may as well leave now.
In fact, run. Run as fast as you can.
And don't tell me, "But David, I can save her!"
ha ha. No you can't.
You cannot be her lover and also her therapist. Mutually exclusive. Only she can save herself, and it is going to take a great deal of work on her part.
My concern right now is for you.
You said that you are always playing games with her. What does that say about you?
You said that the relationship doesn't work for you and you don't want to be in a relationship like this. But you are!
What does that say about what you believe you deserve for yourself?
***EMAIL from Aaron:
I found the 2 letters intriguing in "Pathetic Lovers and Masterful Lovers". I've taken a step back and looked at my life, but only whilst writing this.
My current girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years or so.
Only recently she has mentioned that she doesn't trust me as much as she used to. She mentions that she thinks I'm less of the honest and trustworthy person that she thought I was.
I think this is because I don't want a relationship with her - especially not as much as when we first were together. Being with my girlfriend is starting to feel like a chore, and she can feel my non-commitment. I do care for her, but not as much as other men care for their woman.
I'm scared that if I break up with my girlfriend, I won't find another lover who loves me back. This is because I feel like/that I don't deserve to have a loving woman. I find it hard to believe that people love me for me - without tricks, bells or whistles. I don't find it particularly hard to meet women, though - especially with all the bells and whistles of the seduction community.
However, she still loves me. I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I communicate this to her in a way that won't knock her self-esteem? I know this break-up is difficult for me to do, and will be difficult for her to take. This is because I've been dishonest with her in the past about what my intentions are. I've stated that I'd be with her for as long as I could and would expend effort to make the relationship work, when I knew that was not true. I had and still have commitment issues that I need to resolve for me.
For example, sometimes I think, "Can I really find a woman who blows me away in how attractive I find her... AND who I admire as a person, feel natural around, and who blows me away sexually too?" At the moment, I don't think so... so I feel that any relationship I have before finding such a woman isn't worth putting in maximum effort. But I want to experience the highest levels of intimacy in all my relationships, on the way to finding my dream woman! And I really do. I'm sick of meaningless relationships - acquaintances, friendships and otherwise - and want someone who mutually shares a deep-down caring for each other.
I don't want to "throw away" this relationship, but to me it is not as satisfying as I would like it to be. What do you recommend? Should I end this relationship and look for new women when I have time? And screen all of them for the qualities I want, whilst not being afraid to end relationships that aren't what I thought they'd be? Do you think this would help me move towards my relationship goal of being happy?
Lastly, I have heard the extolled virtues of your manual. Would it be worth it for me, in my "pre-serious relationship" state? Would it help me realize a way to tailor my love life to exactly what was best for me? I want a woman that I'd want to be with every living second... even if I don't have the time for it. I wouldn't mind only having limited time for her... and I'd know she felt the same way about me - looking forward to our every moment together.
Regards, and thanks for your previous answers to my question. Both reading your emails, and writing to you are an insight. I find myself pausing, and thinking about problems, and understanding them more deeply. I can then express what my true sticking point is, having cleared away the fog! Writing is so liberating...
Where do I begin? I have a lot of things to say about your letter. I'll keep it succinct.
Women are amazingly perceptive and intuitive. They will pick up on your decrease in feelings even before you do.
You need to get to the point where you believe that you deserve a loving woman. Until then, you won't find her.
If you don't want to hurt your girlfriend's feelings, then be honest with her for a change. Being honest is one of the manly virtues. Be a Man. Take responsibility for your own words and actions and live up to them.
If you continue to string her along, you are going to become more unhappy and she will be needlessly hurt.
If you have commitment issues, then don't commit to anyone.
But so long as you have commitment issues, you are going to miss out of the really worthy women. They will quickly sense that about you and wonder.
But do you see the contradictions in what you wrote?
You said, "I want to experience the highest levels of intimacy in all my relationships."
But you are not willing the make the investment required for the highest level of intimacy.
You said, "on the way to finding my dream woman!"
You are going to keep selecting women who are not your dream woman because you am not ready for a dream woman.
You said, "I'm sick of meaningless relationships, and want someone who mutually shares a deep-down caring for each other.
And there-in lies the challenge. You're tired of the current situation, but not ready for the desired situation.
You want the goodies, but you are not willing to pay the price.
Only in the context of a relationship based on trust and respect and mutual allegiance, between two people who are wildly crazy about each other, can both people totally let go and totally give themselves over to each other completely, without reservations or inhibitions.
Only in that context are there going to be the kind of deeply powerful emotions that are required for the really advanced stuff.
(It gives me goose bumps just to think about it. Ahhh, the kinds of emotions I have enjoyed.)
But it has its price. And it requires a certain level of maturity. And it absolutely positively requires that you select women wisely.
To discover the really advanced stuff that makes her wildly happy about you, get my manual.
Give women incredible pleasure,
When I receive your question, you will receive an invitation to a free upcoming teleseminar, where I will address all the questions. Plus, you will receive a link to listen to my most recent teleseminar. And if your question is on-topic, I will personally answer your question in email.
And I love to hear success stories too. I want to hear all the per verted deme nted things that you and your woman have experienced together. Those stories always get a personal response.
In my next newsletter, a reader describes a problem that his woman is starting to complain about. He's too big!
- David Shades Profile
- Comfortable With Sexuality
- Badboy Vs Nice Guy
- No Longer Arousable
- Three Naughty Women
- Orgasm Successes
- Bad In Bed
- Shame and Guilt
- Pathetic and Masterful Lovers
- Teasing Torture
- First Virginal Orgasm
- Not Keep Women
- Break Up With Her
- Bat Too Big
- Dump Him