We have some really fun emails today....
***EMAIL from Carl,
Thanks for your great mini-course. I have a question about anticipation.
I have always had good feedback from women during and after sex. But I would like to be excellent, I want to master anticipation. I just use it to the point when she is hot and then I go for it. But I don't tease too much or play with it and I would like to learn how.
What I would like to know specifically is the attitude and what you put in your mind when you stop. And then start and then stop. When I try to do that I become self conscious and things cool down instead of heat up.
I think I become self conscious probably because I want to look good, to be thought of as a good lover. Maybe even to use sex to control her a little bit. So I start looking for signals of how she is responding instead of relaxing and enjoying the moment.
I am not proud of it, but my self consciousness is triggered when I feel insecure or I perceive the woman as being more valuable than me.
Thanks for your help
You perceive the woman as being more valuable than you? Since when has ANYONE been more valuable than you? Do you not feel worthy?
I think your problem is your self value is too wrapped up in what women think of you. That is your fault, and one reason for your failure. That puts all the power in women, not you. There is nothing personally powerful about that.
A man who IS personally and sensually powerful sees women as equals (opposite gender, but equal "value.") He sees her as the feminine compliment to his masculinity. He knows that she sees him as the masculine compliment to her femininity. And that's the way it's supposed to be. Simple really.
It is ok to want to look good and be thought of as a good lover. She most likely wants to look good and be thought of as a good lover as well.
And the other reason you fail is because you use sex to control her. Your subconscious mind knows what you're doing and will sabotage your efforts to control. (Assuming there is an amount of conscientiousness in your subconscious.)
If you think of control, you will fail. When you aim to control, you are weak. You are compensating for a self deficiency.
Anticipation is one of the many methods used in bringing out the sexuality in a woman. When you consume your mind with thoughts of liberating your woman's sexuality, it will be congruent (in line with.)
Think about empowering her. And get some self worth based upon what YOU think of yourself.
***EMAIL from Frank:
I was licking and fingering my girlfriend and when she was about to come, I stopped.
My intention was to tease her, but instead I could tell that she got a bit pissed. So to my surprise, she pulled out a small vibrator, and started playing with her clit, and told me that I had been bad and therefore could only watch her get off.
I figured she was testing me, so I tried to play cool. And began stroking her tummy, breasts and thighs, without her protesting. Then I used a finger to play with her anus, which she liked, and began fingering her anus and vagina simultaneously. She came very strong.
Later she told me that she had not been using her vibrator since she met me. The next day I was kind of wondering what had been going on. Was it a test to see if I would freak? Or did she want to introduce a vibrator into our sex life?
We have previously talked about anal sex, and I have been fingering her earlier on, while licking her clit. So I don't know if the vibrator maybe was a step in doing her anally. Do you have any suggestions about what was her motives behind her action?
You brought her up and just stopped? That's torture, not teasing. Teasing is when you bring her up slowly, then slow way down, then bring her up a little more, then slow way down. There is always the inevitability of orgasm, just that it is drawn out. Always bringing her up a little higher and then holding her close on the edge for a long time. Most submissive women love this, and will result in a powerful orgasm.
But your woman is not a submissive, at least not all the time. Not when she says that you have been bad and must be punished. That is DOM language (a sexually dominant.) And she's damn good at it.
There are many men who would love to be in your place. They want a DOM woman, but can't find one.
Yes, she was testing you. She was testing to see if you could play a role. And you reacted just fine, not saying anything, and letting her do what she said she was going to do.
Besides, what can you say? She had declared what the next sexual activity will be. To object would thwart her sexuality, not bring it to life.
She wanted to masturbate in front of you. For most women, that is very taboo and thus a very exciting thing to actually do. Few women have the guts to do it. Or I should say, few women are with a man that allows her to feel ruthlessly expressive sexuality.
It was certainly a compliment to you that she had not been using her vibrator since she met you, whether it was true or not. That could be taken that she was satisfied by you and had no need for it. But it most definitely was a compliment to you that she felt sexually expressive enough with you to pull it out in front of you. And yes, she was introducing a vibrator into the sex life.
The vibrator had nothing to do with anal sxx. But it sounds like that is something she would also be interested in sharing with you.
If you like DOM women, or women who can occasionally be DOM, and are very good at it, then you are going to be a very happy man.
***EMAIL from Mark:
I heard you on an interview CD with David DeAngelo . Fantastic interview. So now I'm on your mailing list. I have a question for you.
When listening to one of your samples, I was surprised when I heard your view on talking dirty to a women in bed. The reason is that I've always loved to talk dirty to the women I've slept with. It gives me a feeling of control and power. Unfortunately, the response from the women is usually laughter of some kind. I'm never over-the top, my comments are usually stuff like, "you like that" or "you want that c ock". I've even had women cover my mouth when I try. What's going on here?
From what you said in the interview I'm guessing I haven't set the relationship up correctly. Perhaps it's in the wrong "Context"?
Your failure is not in the moment in bedroom, but long
before that outside of the bedroom.
You are a jokester or funny guy outside of the bedroom, so when you get into the bedroom you are still seen as that. It is totally incongruent with dirty talk.
Your women may enjoy your harmless comedic personality, and it may even get you lots of women, but they are not feeling that hot passionate "take me" feeling with you.
A woman will respond to you inside of the bedroom based on the way she perceives you outside of the bedroom. If you are a jokester outside of the bedroom, she will see you as that inside the bedroom.
You are not projecting a dominant masculine persona outside of the bedroom.
Highly sexual women love sexy dirty talk. They respond powerfully to it. It drastically escalates their arousal. But in order for her to respond, it must be believable. It must be done with absolute conviction. And it absolutely MUST be congruent with who the man IS. A man that is leading. A man that is in control.
A sense of humor is a good thing, but that is completely different than constantly being the class clown. A sense of humor must be appropriately timed, and it must be upon the backdrop of being in control without being controlling, leading without demanding, strength with sensitivity, etc.
A woman told me this about a man that she was madly in love with: "He was very dominant and in control in life. He brought it into the bedroom and I couldn't get enough of it. He was a very dominant man, very confident, very self assured, he always had a plan. It was natural for him to be that way, so in the bedroom it was congruent with who he was. That cerebral excitement is what kept me there. There has to be that threat. The threat, with him, was that he would make me think and feel powerful things. And he did."
***EMAIL from Don:
I had a question about the material. You talk and give examples of how you talk dirty to women. I agree that it is a form of dirty talk, but I would imagine that women want to be talked to more romantically with sensual words like Don Juan Di Marco, not with cussing and calling her a "slvt". Can you please differentiate on that concept. What is the difference in the effect? Does the style of dirty talk depend on the type of woman? Does it depend more on the mood the couple are in at a particular time?
Of course women want to be talked to romantically. And, interestingly, I have many quotes from Don Juan DeMarco in my Manual.
What is the difference in the affect?
Well, romantic talk makes her feel romantic, and it increases the emotional connection. Two things that "lubricate" the slide to physical expression. (Hey, she wants it just as much as you do, might as well make it as easy and enjoyable for her.) And sexy dirty talk makes that physical expression so much more exciting.
Does the style of dirty talk depend on the type of woman? Simple answer: the more intelligent, self assured, and sexual that she is, the dirtier the sexy dirty talk should be, and the more powerfully she will respond.
Does it depend more on the mood the couple are in at a particular time? Yes. There is a time and place for everything. As for when the time and place is, use this general rough rule...
After a romantic dinner, and while sitting on the couch in the living room, is the perfect time for romantic talk, not dirty talk.
While in the bedroom, on the bed, during the actual act of intercourse, when she is about to come, is the perfect time for dirty talk, not romantic talk.
In between is the gray area. You move things along progressively.
On the couch you say "I feel so close to you" and other such things.
Once in the bedroom, you kiss her tenderly and then say "You are so beautiful to me" and then do the "hockey shirt trick" where you pull her shirt over her head and wrap it around her wrists above her and hold her wrists and then press her against the wall and say "that I cannot control my desires for you" and make out hard with her.
While doing her doggy on the bed you hold a fistful of her hair and when she calls out "Oh God" you say "You love it when I fvck you like the slvt that you are!"
After the orgasms, after catching your breath, hold her close and say "I feel so close to you."
For added affect, and appropriately timed humor, say "The most heart felt, genuine talk happens right afterwards. So don't fall asleep on me! Talk to me!" (Sinister snicker.)
***EMAIL from Cathy:
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, get the wish I wish tonight... Please send me a man who knows all about the hockey shirt trick!
There is an art to sexy dirty talk. And there most definitely is a correct way to set the "context" for a relationship that is ripe with highly charged responsive sexuality. My two audio CDs are on those very topics.
And for examples of teasing, anticipation, denial, and other powerful mental tactics to drive your woman crazy, see my Manual.
For the sexual techniques and the beliefs that build sexual confidence, see my "Give Women Wild Screaming Orgasms"
When I receive your question, you will receive an invitation to a free upcoming teleseminar, where I will address all the questions. Plus, you will receive a link to listen to my most recent teleseminar. And if your question is on-topic, I will personally answer your question in email.
And I love to hear success stories too. I want to hear all the per.verted deme.nted things that you and your woman have experienced together. Those stories always get a personal response.
You'll love my next newsletter. It is about a customer who released his girlfriend's sexual potential, in such a powerful way, that she was overwhelmed with emotions and became disoriented for hours. This is what happens!
Give women incredible pleasure,
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