Now, as you probably know if you have been following these articles, and certainly if you have read my book or come to my workshops or seminars, attraction is always crucial for chemistry. Yet, for a relationship you ALSO need to be able to bring the conflicting forces of our human emotions into HARMONY.
These two forces are:
1. The purely physical drives, which are easy to access, for they are instant and they are on the surface.
2. The OTHER side is what gives BALANCE to all this, otherwise we would try to do nothing but have sex all day and eat till we puked, which is actually what some people do who have the "luxury" of being able to do this.
This OTHER side is deeper, and thus takes more work to access, yet is just as essential if not more so. There are too many emotions to list but basically many of the FINER emotions we experience are a product of the pure physical side of us being MODERATED and CONTROLLED diligently by, as well as working in harmony with, this OTHER side.
Think of this other side as the DRIVER of a Formula One or Indy 500 car. The car has the immense RAW POWER. But it needs the skill and control of the driver to win the race.
Now, why is it so tough for most people to balance these forces?
The reason is SIMPLE:
First of all, in general, we are a society conditioned to believe that happiness will be attained if could just GET ENOUGH of the things that appeal to the first force, whether it’s money, hot women, fame, prestige, blah blah blah. For women, it’s similar.
It’s EASY to feel this way, since our minds are kind of already “primed” to think this way for survival. i.e. “more food is better than less” type thinking is easy for our brains to emotionally understand, to prevent starvation.
HOWEVER, for most of us, we are NOW living in a time where we can get MORE than we need for survival.
A lot more.
This causes LOTS of problems. The whole emotion of DESIRE that is hardwired into our brain is there for SURVIVAL. Yet we have to remember these emotions were built in at a time when SURVIVAL was difficult. We NEEDED to have these strong drives, for food, sex, etc or we wouldn't get enough to survive or pass our genes down.
But today, we have MUCH MORE than enough, so we are being OVERSTIMULATED, i.e. food, sex, physical pleasures, unless we EXERCISE RESTRAINT.
So whether it’s an attractive woman that turns us on, or an attractive guy for a woman that turns her on, or whether it is tasty food, or money, we want to GET IT. But these days, we can get MORE than just enough food for survival, enough sex to satisfy our needs, etc.
We can easily get out of balance here.
And the REALITY is that, PURSUING THE PHYSICAL HUNGERS OF PLEASURE, WITHOUT RESTRAINT, NEVER LEADS TO THE SATIATION OF THOSE DESIRES.
This is so well documented that it isn’t even funny.
Whether it’s ROCK STARS who have every woman who still turn to drugs and alcohol and new religions for happiness, and of course still don’t find it, or whether it’s hotties who go from one dysfunctional relationship to another. I honestly don’t think it’s a coincidence that the guys and chicks who have endless partners SO VERY OFTEN ALSO USE DRUGS. Now, if they were so happy, why would they need drugs?
The only way to feel “good” in a long lasting sense, is by exercising EMOTIONAL DISCIPLINE and RESTRAINT and APPRECIATING what we have and controlling our own EGO.
There are two basic strategies that people use to feel “happy/good/fulfilled”.
1. Pursue things that give us INSTANT STIMULUS. This includes things like sex with attractive people, money, ego pumping, drinking, etc.
The problem with this is that unless used in MODERATION, the good feelings are very transient, they don’t last. So we then need new stimuli, constantly, in order to get the “hit” again that feels good.
Since many women, (and many guys as well), follow this strategy in trying to feel “happy”, getting into a RELATIONSHIP with such a woman will REQUIRE YOU TO CONSTANTLY be providing STIMULUS FOR HER, for she herself will provide ABSOLUTELY NONE.
She takes ZERO responsibility for it all, for there is always another “hit” close by that can hold her over till the next time she needs one. These “hits” come in the form of validation, club going, drinking, sex partners, etc. Of course, this provides little LONG TERM FULFILLMENT, and that is why so many women are often moody, down, in therapy, on prescription drugs, in dysfunctional relationships, etc.
They take ZERO emotional discipline, instead they GIVE IN TO THE PURSUIT OF PLEASURE with wild abandon, ACTUALLY THINKING THAT IT WILL LEAD TO PLEASURE AND FULFILLMENT.
Of course, it DOESN’T.
And since humans always take the path of least resistance, rather than actually TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR EMOTIONS and USING EMOTIONAL DISCIPLINE and restraining themselves from wild abandon in the pursuit of physical pleasure (lights, music, drinks, drugs, sex), they instead pursue MORE of it. Almost like an addiction, a short term high to last until the next time.
Now, the SECOND strategy to “fulfillment” is different and EFFECTIVE:
2. This strategy still learns to enjoy the PHYSICAL things in life, but in MODERATION.
This is why for example, ANTICIPATION is such a HUGELY POWERFUL tool in increasing sexual desire.
By INITIALLY, NOT ENGAGING IN FULL SEX, by using FOREPLAY, slowly undressing her, or by "teasing" i.e. touching her non-erogenous zones only at first, or even just giving her a sexual "look" but not immediately giving her the touch, and NOT GIVING A PERSON WHAT THEY WANT RIGHT AWAY, they APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH MORE.
Every woman knows the importance of foreplay.
Well, the ABSENCE is they KEY to GREATER PLEASURE, because it is only by KNOWING WHAT IT IS TO NOT HAVE SOMETHING, that you can TRULY ENJOY the PRESENCE of something.
But looks what happens when you go in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION, i.e. PURSUING UNLIMITED PHYSICAL PLEASURES, DIVING IN AND IMMERSING YOURSELF NON-STOP in PLEASURE.
You lose sight of what it's like to have none, so you feel you need more and more. And you never get satiated so much as get DISGUSTED, it makes you EMOTIONALLY WEAK, IT DRAINS YOU.
How many guys have heard other guys talking the next day about how good a party was because they were so exhausted they could hardly open their eyes in the morning?
This is good???
Pleasure creates exhaustion?
This is how the CURRENT VOGUE DEFINES and measures PLEASURE, but who says it's right?
Who said pleasure can't give you MORE energy?
Who said pleasure is about exhaustion, feeling disgusted?
Doesn’t matter if it’s eating chocolate cake or pizza or sitting on your ass all day sleeping or watching tv or sex or anything else that seems like pleasure. See that?
Here’s something else, related:
AFTER A CERTAIN POINT, THE MORE YOU FOCUS ON YOUR OWN EGO/YOUR OWN SELF, THE MORE UNHAPPY YOU ARE.
This is because once you have achieved a certain level of self-sufficiency, then what happens is that if you focus too much on yourself and how you compare to others, you tend to focus on what you don't have that others do have, and the more you feel you should have, hence you always feel ripped off.
Yup, when focusing on ourselves and how we rate to others, we don't tend to see the things we DO have that others don't, since as humans we were designed to seek MORE for survival, unless we learn to overcome this programming, ESPECIALLY IN AN ERA and environment where we HAVE MORE OF THINGS THAN OUR NATURAL HARDWIRING was designed for.
We are hardwired for lack of supply, not oversupply. Hence we can basically get too much for our own good. Ahh, does this sound familiar regarding any relationships you may have had with women?
Of course, since they have their ego blown sky high by most guys, they always feel ripped off: Either they want what they don't have, and feel ENTITLED to it
They DO GET what they wanted, i.e. the guy that was hard to get, and then they don't appreciate him anymore.
This is why telling her you love her ruins it all, if you are dealing with a woman who is “over-validated” on the outside, but insecure on the inside. Such a woman is guided purely by validation, she needs it since she is insecure, and once she has your total validation, she will work on getting someone else’s.
And on and on, she pursues, never finding that great one till something shatters her ego, i.e. age, lines, wrinkles, fat, or some truly horrific disaster befalls her.
See? Then suddenly, ego goes down, and panic sets in, and suddenly many guys seem great to her now.
And of course, another word for this is APPRECIATION.
So basically, the ingredients for a great relationship are two people who FULLY REALIZE THE NATURE OF HUMAN BEINGS, and that the only way to feel good in a world of endless options is to BURN THE OPTIONS OFF THE MAP of their brain.
What I mean by this, is that relationships require an attitude of COMMITMENT that says:
“I know full well, that left alone and unrestrained, that my brain will try to trick me into all kinds of bullshit such as not appreciating things, so therefore to PREVENT myself from becoming MISERABLE in a life of endless pursuit that only leads to feeling TERRIBLE, I will STRUCTURE A LIFESTYLE where I constantly learn to APPRECIATE what I have.”
It’s really simple, actually. You can either focus on what you do have, or focus on what you don’t. If you allow your ego to go unchecked, you focus on what you don’t have.
So a great relationship requires two people who both share the same attitudes of:
1. RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN EMOTIONS
2. MODERATION IN THE PURSUIT OF PHYSICAL PLEASURES SO THAT THOSE PHYSICAL PLEASURES CAN BE TRULY APPRECIATED.
3. “RELATIONSHIP INTELLIGENCE” that helps guide behaviour and decision-making. For example, two people that want to have a truly long lasting, happy, fulfilling relationship, should not hang out in places where the DOMINANT VALUE IS UNRESTRAINED PHYSICALITY, such as CLUBS.
I think that today “relationship intelligence” is at an all time low.
This is because the overall values of society seek INSTANT GRATIFICATION, EGO PUMPING as the supposed route to FULFILLMENT.
With such values, the ideals necessary for REAL FULFILLMENT without the use of drugs or therapists often are ATTACKED as “neurotic”, “close-minded”, “repressive” etc. This is similar to how a guy who works out seriously but is unknown will be called “neurotic” but when he wins a championship, he is a STAR.
Or a guy who studies science a lot is a nerd or impractical till he discovers the theory of relativity.
In the same way, a couple who understands how to have a great relationship is called all kinds of insults, until they have a lifetime of fulfillment while everyone else around them keeps failing at relationships.
So again, in terms of relationships, the focus has to be on the other person, not yourself, but this goes so totally AGAINST the modern “progressive” ideals of instant self gratification and of course against the ideals of chicks who have been spoiled and are used to using ego validation from others as a crutch to feeling good, even though it doesn't lead to fulfillment.
This is why knowing how to trigger attraction is crucial, but the real question then becomes do you want HER. Relationships require that both people train THEMSELVES to constantly see the superior value of the other.
I don’t believe it is desirable to attempt to PSYCHOLOGICALLY REBUILD YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND for the purposes of a relationship by CONSTANTLY using attraction techniques.
I say this, because I receive questions from guys on this, and although it is possible to “manage” your relationship by CONSTANTLY pressing psychological “buttons”, this is going to dampen your feelings for her and will only make you resent her.
You can LEAD a woman in the right direction if she wants to go there, but if she does not have the right values instilled in her yet, it will most likely lead to at best a case of “managing” your girlfriend and not the kind of intense positive emotions that fuel a quality relationship.
And if you are reading this right now, I’m sure you can tell that this is no ordinary get laid newsletter. I believe in the BIG PICTURE, and that most guys want balance.
I explain all of this stuff in detail in my book, The Dating Wizard: Secrets to Success with Women. it’s jam packed not only with the specifics of what to do to approach women and bridge into getting physical, but also with how to get into the right mind frame and keep your mind that way. Remember, the greatest gift you can give a woman is the feeling of POWER that you will resonate as THE MAN. And that’s all in the brain, so watch what you feed it.
You can download the book right now and be reading it in just a few minutes.
Till next time,
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This article has been reproduced with the permission of ©Michael W and The Dating Wizard®
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