I have a confession to make:
I’m not thrilled with the state of affairs in much of the dating guru landscape.
So this article is for anyone who is confused by the mass downloading of “be a jerk” mentality that has crept up all over the place, and the general vibe I feel of guys putting the whole getting physical thing as the obsessed drive in their life.
A recent letter provides an excellent method for me to address the issues.
**LETTER FROM A READER OF THE E-BOOK**
I am currently re-reading your book and it IS SO AWESOME!! It is like you wrote the book especially for me. I am taking this SO seriously. I am SO motivated to be the best I can be at this. I really think this book is the answer!!
As I am reading the book, I am making some notes in a journal. I hope you don't mind, but I want to ask you some things. My apologies if some seem a little direct. It is not meant to be rude, just questions in my head that when answered will help my progress.
1) On page 32, you mention “Take charge and don't give a damn what women say. WOMEN ONLY LOVE MEN WHO DON'T LISTEN TO THEM". Is this really true all of the time? Won't that piss them off and make you seem like a real prick? Shouldn't you listen sometimes?
2) I read somewhere that having the cocky attitude and the right sense of humor is bad for your game when you use direct game and “Alpha” body language. It seems that you are a serious proponent of the cocky attitude and the right sense of humor. Therefore I am confused as to which method is best. I should say that I get GREAT response when I use this method as it suits my personal style and personality”
3. What about Love? What about Teamwork in a loving relationship? How is this a factor?
4. “How did you learn all this? Real-life experience? Readings? Courses?”
5. “What about 'Romance' and 'Romancing a girl', while still being the 'MAN". Is this possible?”
6. How do I know your right? How can I be sure? There are a lot of other theories out there.
7. If I know a girl that is taken (boyfriend, married, etc.), should I hang around with her in the hopes that she will "tell her hot single friends about me? And/or set me up with them? "You know ____, I have a friend that ......." Is this possible or just a load of crap from women?
Whew, lotsa questions. I want to REALLY clear this stuff up:
On your first question about “Take charge and don't give a damn what women say. WOMEN ONLY LOVE MEN WHO DON'T LISTEN TO THEM". Is this really true all of the time? Won't that piss them off and make you seem like a real prick? Shouldn't you listen sometimes?”
The most important thing to remember regarding the material you read in the book is the CONTEXT in which it is set. And that context is reality. In reality, most guys are "other-directed" and not self-directed.
THEY WILL GET ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES FOR A WOMAN, which they mistake as being NICE.
This is NOT NICE, this is actually being very MEAN to a woman, because you are basically telling her that she does not deserve the TRULY QUALITY GUY, but instead she should be with you, the guy who KNOWS HE IS NOT QUALITY, but will try to compensate for it by kissing her butt and throwing his own worth and dignity out the window.
NOT NICE AT ALL.
Makes her feel REPULSED.
BUT this does NOT mean that the answer is to be a jerk.
You see, most guys will do whatever they think will work to get a woman to like them. But that's not even the worst of it. What's worse, is the GENERAL MENTALITY of being other-directed, not just regarding women, but regarding giving in to pressure by others, to do things just in order to "fit in".
Then you have guys who do nothing but rebel for the very purpose of rebelling, which is pointless as well. In fact, that too is being other directed, for it is over compensating against the influence of others, it is again a form of lack of free thought and independence.
When a guy is OTHER directed, he is showing
And that creates the WRONG vibe.
It's NOT attractive.
And when a guy acts like a selfish prick, that shows weakness as well, because it shows FEAR of being normal.
Almost as if to say "you can't reject me because I'm rejecting you first".
This is why I really am not too pleased with a lot of the "be an ALPHA male" or “be an Alpha Man” preaching going on these days. In fact, subtleties DO make a difference, and the guys who plagiarize my stuff never seem to do it just right, lol.
The truth is, if you go up to a woman with a whole big ALPHA BULL@#$% attitude, you won’t get very far. I’d like to see these guys for REAL do the alpha bull^%$# on women. When I take guys out to real places to pick up women in my workshops, we actually come across as almost anything BUT this big Alpha Attitude. We are fun, we are intriguing, or we are laid back, or we are upbeat, but we AIN’T COMING ACROSS AS THESE “ALPHA” ^%HOLES!!!!
This why I prefer to say “be THE MAN”.
THE MAN brings to mind an image of a guy who is COMPLETE, he is not a jerk, he is not a nice guy, he is not cold, he is not OBSESSED with getting laid, he has a full life and other things as well which are far more important.
He is truly THE MAN.
He knows BALANCE.
The idea of being The Man also brings to mind the idea of being MASCULINE, in a world men have been made to fear any type of socializing with women lest they be accused of sexual harassment. So we have a breed of guys acting like women, and then we as a society wonder why guys are having problems with this thing called attraction.
Back to the identity thing:
It's very very very important to your long term success in general and with women to have a firm hold on who you are, which is very much a product of your values, and also who you want to be.
Notice how little this has to do with outside forces, it has to do with your IDENTITY.
When you have a clear sense of your own values and your own identity, built on KNOWLEDGE and not on EMOTIONAL TANTRUMS or IGNORANCE, you become very very strong.
And that, just happens to be a very powerful ATTRACTIVE force, not only for women, but for everything and everyone.
It all boils down to the same thing- power and vitality. And clarity of purpose, of identity, of values, is extremely powerful.
Especially when it is built on knowledge and not just on emotions.
Soooo, given all that, it's important to understand that I am referring to the way 99.99 percent of guys behave. They get CAUGHT UP in the psychological vortex of a WOMAN'S attractive force, which is actually a sign of weak values and weak identity.
And weakness is NOT attractive. Attraction always boils down to superiority, but most guys have no clue what superiority even is. One thing it most certainly isn't is a weak identity. The ONLY reason why jerks seem to get ahead of "nice" guys is because they at least have SOME identity, where the "nice" guy is willing to become anyone to make a woman happy.
The truth however, is that you can be a GOOD guy who has SELF ESTEEM and conviction in himself and his identity and that would be A TRILLION TIMES more attractive than any "jerk".
In fact, I feel sorry for all the dating gurus out there who keep promoting the notion of being a jerk to get ahead with women. The fact of the matter is that being a jerk to a woman will only yield short term results, and usually only with women that have low self esteem.
The other “smoke and mirrors” that a lot of guys are forgetting is that while some guys think their being a jerk got them somewhere with a woman, in fact, the woman knew all along the guy was PRETENDING to be a jerk in order to get sex, and she was laughing to herself all along and going along with the plan so that the guy would feel he was EARNING her, and that she was not easy, for after all, the guy had to WORK HARD at being a jerk.
Yes, women are not stupid.
Also, regarding being a jerk, there are plenty of jerky women, and it often happens that a guy who acts like a jerk might be just what a jerky woman wants, since both have a low threshold of maturity and cannot even fathom the concept of a long term relationship. For them, the most they can achieve is a series of botched up short term hook ups. Yes, definitely, there are women out there who know they are no good for relationships, and have no intention of making a relationship succeed. For these women, meeting a jerk provides the perfect excuse, for it means they can tell others that they can't find a good guy for a relationship.
I could go on forever describing the many varieties of women out there, but suffice to say, I am NOT A PROPONENT OF THE “BEING A JERK SCHOOL OF ATTRACTING WOMEN.”
The reason, again, is because I am all about creating REAL ATTRACTION, and finding QUALITY women, so that really good stuff can come of it.
Being a good guy is wayyyyy different than being a “NICE” guy. It’s too bad that the word nice has come to also mean pushover. But just because a guy is not a pushover does not mean he has to be a jerk. This is overdoing the “don’t be a pushover thing”. Overdoing things is stupid. It’s like using a rocket ship to cross the street. It’s just the wrong thing to do, and it won’t work. And it would be obvious to us if we weren’t so caught up in conventional dating guru stuff. I’ve never been a dating guru, and thank G-d for that.
If someone just wants to get sex, there are MILLION ways to do that easily with zero brain power or effort.
Again, here is where "jerks" do one thing that "nice" guys don't- they take action. I mean, you can't sit on your butt and hope for women to jump you. (Actually, I do teach how to be powerful just from your body language alone, but that's a whole other ball 'a wax!)
So, to sum up on this question, the MAIN IDEA behind this point is the idea of having YOUR OWN IDENTITY, your own values, based on KNOWLEDGE and not on fleeting emotions. THAT is why I go to such extreme lengths and language to make it clear to NOT get sucked into the vortex called "FEAR OF NOT PLEASING a woman". This vortex makes guys do all sorts of dumb things like sacrificing their own identity.
I remember once walking on the street with a woman in the middle of winter, and this homeless guy was practically crawling into one of the automatic banking cubicles for shelter and warmth one night. I remember saying something like what a tragedy it is that someone would have to live that way. Anyway, I remember her saying some comment back to me like "they have a choice, they could get a job" etc etc. And I remember practically dumping her right there and telling her my own thoughts on the issue. But I could just see how a lot of guys would start agreeing with a hot woman just to get her approval. Of course, do you think this girl would LET me dump her? Of course not, she starts calling me, emailing me, all the time. She even says she was wrong about what she said.
Did I say what I said because I was trying to attract her?
Did I say what I said because I was trying to play “hard to get?
I simply had my OWN identity, and it wasn’t based on b.s.
THIS IS WHAT THE DATING GURUS DON'T TEACH YOU AT HARVARD DATING GURU SCHOOL.
They don't teach you about values, about your own identity, etc.
They are so obsessed with getting laid, they end up missing the boat. The whole reason they supposedly got into the field was because they were “hurt”. They wanted to not be dumped, etc. They wanted to not have to be dumped by girls they loved, etc. Only now, they are now loathe and scared to enter a real relationship long term, or they tell you that no woman is worth their time.
Sounds weird to me, for guys that supposedly wanted to just not get dumped, and now went on to become womanizers supposedly. It sounds as if they became experts at getting laid, and not experts at getting exclusive satisfying relationships long term. But most guys don’t want to just get laid, they want to know how to KEEP a girl long term. WTF??????
When they DO talk about values, they talk about in purely Machiavellian terms, and ONLY in the sense of what relevance it might have to getting laid.
This is PATHETIC.
This is NOT the way of the man, and not the way of genuine CONFIDENCE.
This is the way of the POP, as a cool guy once wrote to me. (prisoners of p****)
So, final word on the "don't listen to a woman" thing is:
DON'T DO SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE SHE SAID IT. But absolutely do it if you honestly feel like listening.
Your second question:
“I read somewhere that having the cocky attitude and the right sense of humor is bad for your game when you use direct game and “Alpha” body language. It seems that you are a serious proponent of the cocky attitude and the right sense of humor. Therefore I am confused as to which method is best. I should say that I get GREAT response when I use this method as it suits my personal style and personality”
Yeah, I see your confusion.
The truth is this:
Direct stuff is fine in a world where nobody takes action. So the mere act of doing something is pretty cool and takes some guts and shows you must believe you have some superior value.
Also, the truth is, it's really hard to define "direct". When you are really confident, and really secure in your identity, then you do about A TRILLION correct things that are NOT easy to do otherwise. But yet all those things are subtle, so since you don't see them clearly on the surface in very pronounced ways, people call that method "direct".
But when people employ more elaborate methods, such as the right sense of humor or intrigue or what have you, suddenly that gets labeled as complex.
This is where people get very confused. I'd like to clear it all up for everyone on earth. THE ONLY THING THAT COUNTS ARE SIGNS OF SUPERIORITY/VITALITY/VALUE. WHAT MOST PEOPLE *THINK* IS SUPERIORITY ACTUALLY IS **NOT** SUPERIORITY.
Being cocky is ONE sign of this stuff. Being TOO cocky comes across as INSECURE. Being intriguing is ANOTHER sign of this stuff. It's very much like cooking- two different chefs will make a great dish, but might do the same dish very differently, yet both will taste great.
Different, but great.
Yet, BOTH chefs know what NOT to do, they both agree on what will RUIN the taste.
More importantly, the chefs do it by instinct after a while, they don't have to think so much as simply feel it with a taste of this, a taste of that, etc.
ALL BECAUSE THEY UNDERSTAND THE PRINCIPLES, OR RATHER, THE NATURE OF THE INGREDIENTS THEY ARE USING.
Same thing with attraction, you can trigger it in many different ways, you can combine things in many different ways, as long as you don't do something that signifies INFERIOR value.
And the good news is that once you UNDERSTAND this stuff, you can do it naturally without having to dissect every action you are doing.
I'm a PARTICULAR fan of confident humor, because it not only shows superiority, but it also shows at the same time that you CARE enough about her to make her laugh. So you are simultaneously giving her BOTH the superiority she needs from you, plus you are ALSO telling her you LIKE her, which, since you are SUPERIOR, is something she VALUES now.
THAT'S why I like the whole confident humor thing. By the way, you can even make a self-deprecating remark in a way that shows confidence, but it's slightly more advanced stuff.
Your third question:
“What about Love? What about Teamwork in a loving relationship? How is this a factor?”
As soon as I read that line, I kept hearing that song by HEART ringing in my ears: "What about love?!! Don't you want someone to care about you?!!"
Hey Beavith, HEART rocked. They were pretty COOL chickth.
Anyway, this is a HUGE question, but the short answer is that I absolutely believe in this thing called love, and it makes total sense with the right person.
At the same time, I am not a slave to the emotion. I don’t depend on it, or need it to feel validation. This was a huge step for me, the not needing this stuff for validation, and it took a lot of work.
Problem is, it is mostly chemicals in the brain that make you feel this emotion called love, and therefore it can be very very deceiving, such that you can feel it is justified even when it is not. Emotions do that to us, they make us want to BELIEVE that our emotions are right and totally justified.
In other words when you feel it, you will REALLY believe a woman is superior even if she is not. You have to know that your mind is playing tricks on you.
However, when with the RIGHT woman, a woman who has the right kind of long term values and emotional discipline, then it could be great.
The reality is that most people don't have the right values for a long term relationships. It's mostly a question of values and commitment, plus of course there has to be some real passion there too.
In FACT, there are a TON of great success stories that are the result of this kind of rare teamwork. While Sylvester Stallone was penniless, for example, he met an exceptional and modest woman who totally believed in him for year after year as a struggling actor and writer, which inspired him to write Rocky which of course went on to win Best Picture and gave Sly his billion dollar career.
You'll often find that the saying "behind every great man, there is a great woman" and the reverse as well, to be very true. The teamwork of two awesome human beings is very powerful stuff. Oh yeah, the guy that made Terminator, Titanic, Aliens, etc? He was also practically starving from poverty but was totally dedicated and committed to his goal, and he met and married a woman who shared his dream, way back when he was mr. "nobody".
Shouldn't you listen to a girl when she tells you her problems? Isn't that good communication?
Again, the answer to this question is all context, as I explain in the book. What guys don't realize is that many times a woman is complaining only in ACTING mode. She wants to see what you will do and how high you will jump, like all the other guys before you did.
You have to know the difference, which is why I put such a huge emphasis on SCREENING a woman before you let her into your life.
If a woman is testing you, you can't let her push you around, in fact, you really shouldn't even be with her in the first place if she has a habitual habit of testing you.
But if a woman legitimately really really has a problem, then there is a time for being supportive, definitely. But the fact of the matter is that most guys, especially in the initial few weeks of getting to know a woman, should be VERY WEARY of becoming a therapist. In fact, so many women have become so good at detecting guys they can push around and so good at acting as if they seriously need help, that I say for most guys who are beginning at this game to err on the side of caution.
You can always be her "friend" once she has seriously EARNED your friendship and once you have clearly moved WAY WAY WAY beyond the friendship zone.
Your next question:
“How did you learn all this? Real-life experience? Readings? Courses?”
All of the above.
Your next question:
“What about 'Romance' and 'Romancing a girl', while still being the 'MAN". Is this possible?”
I'm not a huge fan of the word romance, because it implies some kind of separate category of activity, when in fact all romance really is a combination of displaying SUPERIORITY and also displaying AFFECTION.
Yup, that's all it is. For example, the whole KNIGHT in shining amour thing is POWER, STRENGTH, WARRIOR.
Superior stuff if I ever heard it.
And the pulling out her chair, and opening her door, and walking on the side of the road, etc, is a sign of showing that you CARE for her, and will be there for her.
So you see, as long as you are conveying superiority and that you are not a jerk, that you will be good to her, you will have no problems.
Most guys though are FIRST displaying the affection, the nice stuff, and coming across as desperate, when they should FIRST be showing the VALUE stuff, the signs of superiority, whether through humor or any of the other thousands of things I explain in my material and courses.
“How do I know your right? How can I be sure? There are a lot of other theories out there.”
The way to know I'm right is simple:
TEST IT OUT in reality. It really works.
I'd like to see the guys promoting the "be a jerk" philosophy succeed with girls in any serious relationship long term. Of course being a jerk works OCCASIONALLY in the short term, it works with girls who don't want to be on close terms with a guy!!!!
Now, some guys might want this, but to have a woman NOT want you, to have a woman who does NOT really want you badly does NOT require skill.
Focus more on your IDENTITY and your LIFE and create a stronger YOU overall, and then watch what happens.
“If I know a girl that is taken (boyfriend, married, etc.), should I hang around with her in the hopes that she will "tell her hot single friends about me? And/or set me up with them? "You know ____, I have a friend that ......." Is this possible or just a load of crap from women?
Personally, I don't like to spend time asking anyone for favors.
Instead, just keep building up yourself, and become a centre of GRAVITY in terms of attraction.
I know it sounds new agey, but the truth is, this way, you'll notice far more powerful results, higher quality women, and then you won't have time for all the women coming your way. In fact, I really want you to write in again and let me know how things are going so you can help teach others this way too.
And if you are reading this right now and would like to know the full picture about attraction LONG TERM as well as short term, through developing this area of yourSELF and not through playing silly tricks on women, then I recommend you take a look at what I have to offer. The best place to start is my eBook. Inside, you'll get the lowdown on the things you MUST do immediately to start getting results now.
Get it at:
Till next time,
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