When it comes to women, remember this: Sex is great, but validation is even better. What does that have to do with being successful with women?
It's actually quite simple to understand:
If you had gorgeous babes knocking down your door every day, I can GUARANTEE you that the ONE chick that you'd be MOST CRAZY about would be the ONE who DID NOT bang down on your door.
The answer is because those other chicks might in REALITY be just as great, but because of the way the mind works, you would wonder why the heck you couldn't get the ONE who was NOT so crazy about you.
It would eat at your soul.
You might start to ask "Am I not hot enough for her?" or, "Does she find something about me repulsive?" or, "Is she special or something?" or, "What is her problem???!! I'm going to MAKE her like me, damn it, if it's the last thing I do!!!"
And you might go through great lengths to get her. You might find out what she's into, you might find out where she hangs out, etc. All that time, you would be passing UP the great sex you could be having with all the gorgeous babes at your DOOR.
Because VALIDATION is GREATER than sex. It's MORE fulfilling. You would most likely start to feel there is something SUPERIOR about that ONE chick, and you would feel the NEED to get HER approval.
You would feel the need to VALIDATED by her.
And almost the MOMENT you GOT that difficult chick, (if you got her, because all that chasing, if she found out, would turn her off!) you would start to appreciate her LESS. You would start to notice her faults, etc.
It might seem awesome at FIRST, and the sex might even seem greater than it really is with her, because you would be getting VALIDATED by the act. At first. But once you got it, you longer need to get it, right?
But "got it just don't get it", right?
If all this sounds hard to believe, trust me, it's TRUE. It's hard for most guys to fathom this, because it seems so far out of their reality. But it's CRUCIAL to realize all this. The only way that this would NOT happen to you is if you were a rare person who was so logical that you KNEW the process was happening to you and playing you for a fool.
Now, if you just realize that for an attractive chick, most of them anyway, they have spent their LIVES getting validated based on their looks alone. That's why a guy that kisses up to them based on their looks is so meaningless to them. Yet at the same time, for a woman, if a guy DOES NOT seem to be into her looks, it's like pulling the earth out from under her feet.
It's a totally INVALIDATING experience for her, and for attractive women in general. Makes them feel like they are not worthy to be on this earth.
Most attractive girls start to go nuts when this happens. It's like you are shaking apart their entire reality, the reality they have so firmly believed for all of their life until NOW.
This is SO SCARY for most chicks, that they will immediately start to try to make reality "make sense again" by trying to PLEASE you, so that you WILL kiss up to them, so that things can go back to "normal".
And in fact, a woman will AUTHENTICALLY start to desire you, because she REALLY does value your approval now!
Remember, VALIDATION is GREATER than sex.
Listen, a lot of guys have known this forever, they just didn't want to tell you or maybe they thought you wouldn't believe them anyway!
Chicks are not like guys- Guys have learned to live and to grow certain character traits because we have not been ass-kissed. When a guy breaks up with a chick, he tends to think about it for a while, trying to figure things out for the present and to learn a lesson for the future. He's still somewhat logical.
But for many chicks, when they break up, they are too lazy and spoiled to deal with the negative emotion in a productive way- so they go and get laid by a few guys immediately. I've spoken with literally hundreds of girls about this- I'm not saying every girl is like this, but the general term is, and I quote: "shedding old skin".
Isn't that sweet.
These are really just euphemisms, or rather CODEWORDS for: "DESPERATE NEED TO BOOST LOW SELF ESTEEM"
AKA: Desperate need to get RE-VALIDATED.
Now, at this point, I want to make something clear:
I do not hold all women in contempt for all of this.
Our society has allowed this to happen, in the same way a child will be affected if his parents provide no guidance and no strong sense of self-esteem.
I also want to clearly point out that there are a rare handful of women who are exceptions, but they are EXTREME EXCEPTIONS and not even remotely the rule.
Often, their personality has been spared the ravaging effects of our culture because religion somehow played a healthy role in their lives- not repressive, but healthy in the sense of providing some balance to today's society where 13-year-old girls dress up in mini-skirts and bitch boots. Often though, religion has a negative effect on people because it's taught in a way that makes them feel guilty for even having sexual desire, which is pretty crazy if you think about it.
If you meet one of these RARE exceptions, please make sure to write in and share with us your story.
Also, as guys, we definitely have our share of guys who are dumbasses and users/abusers, etc. However, I believe based on over four years of experience, observation, and candid interviews with thousands of men and women, that the percentage of guys who lie, cheat and abuse is less than women.
With guys, there seems to be a huge gap between the "good guys" and the "jerks". Either guys are completely clueless, or they seem to be very aware and even "players" themselves. Very little happy medium- very few guys who know the score but who are not "players". Maybe it's because once guys find out how badly they have been had, they go to the other extreme.
But don't quote me on that- it's an unscientific study based on my observation.
Guys tend to have a far stronger sense of SELF esteem. Guys will do what they believe regardless of what their friends think. I have friends at the gym, friends at work, friends at school, and we argue sometimes, but we are FACE TO FACE about it, and we totally accept each other, and we don't feel some kind of lack of self-worth if we don't fit in to each other's mould. And if we disagree, we tell each other to each other's faces "no, man, that's bull****" and laugh, and we are, relatively, COOL with that.
We DON'T NEED each other to agree in order to feel self-esteem. In order to feel validated.
But it's amazing how women are so different. They will, even among their own girlfriends, be BURNING with jealousies, and DESPISE each other, but yet MAINTAIN the illusion that they are best friends, and in fact sometimes when they REALLY despise each other, they will even act NICER to each other to help REPRESS their own feelings.
Can you believe that?
If a chick is jealous of another chick for having a certain boyfriend, she will often act even NICER to her girlfriend, all the while SEETHING inside.
What does that tell you?
What it tells you is that there is an ENORMOUS PRESSURE to fit in with their social circle, and that their OWN feelings, their OWN ideas, are NOT significant. They are to be kept to themselves.
What does that tell you about their self-esteem?
It tells you that it's gutter low.
It also tells you that women will do ANYTHING to fit in to whatever social pressure is placed on them. If it's "COOL" to hang out in clubs, that's what they'll do. If it's cool to dabble in the bible and kabbala since the "holy" Madonna is doing it, then THAT'S cool. Etc.
My point is that women are extremely malleable and will do ANYTHING if they are made to feel it's the socially cool thing to do. The idea of standing out, of NOT being accepted, is PETRIFYING to them.
The great irony is that being cool is all about being original, yet all most chicks do is follow whatever everyone else who is "cool" is doing- like ZOMBIES. In other words, there is an absolute contradiction happening.
Also, when women feel like they are in a place where there is NO risk of social disapproval, i.e. in private, they will go NUTS and do just about ANYTHING crazy just to let go of all that repression. So what does all this have to do with attracting women?
Simple: You must learn to DANGLE the carrot of validation to a woman without actually giving it to her completely. Once you give it to her completely, she no longer needs you and will stop treating you as she did prior to getting validation from you.
This might sound Machiavellian, but it's the truth.
A woman will tell you she is MADLY in love with you, and MEAN IT, and be the sweetest woman on earth. Then, if you give her full validation, it will quickly all disappear.
Also, once you have a woman in private, better help her unleash her repression!
This is REALPOLITIK.
And in fact, all we're doing by this is helping to restore BALANCE to the dynamics between men and women. Helping fill in the gaps (no pun intended) and actually help women get some balance back in their lives. A BALANCE that was lost in the last few decades. (although there were a couple of good things that happened too.)
BALANCE is always a good thing. I'm not for causing pain to women, I'm for causing harmony between men and women.
The GREATEST gift you can give any woman is your validation that you feel she is WORTHY of you.
But guess what???
Most guys give this validation over to a woman before the guys even open their MOUTH.
It's in their body language, their tonality, down to the most microscopic details, it's all given away before they even approach the woman.
Can you imagine that?
Giving over your GREATEST GIFT to a woman before you even know a THING about her?????
Of course, at one point or another, we were all guilty of doing this, we had no idea what was really going on. The world of women isn't all Mr. Roger's Neighborhood if you know what I mean. So let's talk a bit about the practical side to all this:
As soon as you meet a woman, I can GUARANTEE you that she will be trying to CONTROL THE FRAME between you and her. She will immediately begin attempting to do everything on HER TERMS.
And I DO mean AS SOON AS YOU MEET HER.
And it really will never stop completely.
Let me give you some examples:
She might tell you where to sit if you've invited her to join you for coffee.
She might tell you she doesn't give emails or numbers out, but she'll take yours.
She might tell you to "be a "sweetie" and bring her x,y,z from the counter".
She might tell you SHE wants to do this or that, and if you suggest something else, she might put it down.
If you are have just approached her, and started to chat her up, she might tell you "are you a player?" i.e. controlling the frame that she is immaculate and you are scum, so you better start getting all apologetic and kiss her butt now type of thing.
That last one above is really funny, because women hang out at clubs and shake their butt and tell everyone they just want to dance, and that guys are pigs, meanwhile the reality is that if there were no guys at the club, women wouldn't ever go. Because then there would be NO VALIDATION--- no guys to OGLE and WATCH them shake their butts!!!!!
Isn't that the ultimate in validation- when women have guys validating them all night at a club, and then blowing the guy off if he approaches them as if he's total dirt.
If you ever approach a woman in a club, withhold all the validation stuff, instead just strike up a fun conversation, or tease her on her outfit, and in fact if she seems to be treating you great, you should realize that this might just be a trap to get you to kiss her ass. So, what you should do is tease her that you are not that easy if she thinks being nice to you will get her somewhere!
And if she tells you that you could be a real "sweetie" if you bought her and her friends some drinks, you should just laugh and tell her "you're not that type of guy" and let HER wonder just what you meant by that. Then keep on chatting.
But enough about clubs, because women are EVERYWHERE. The fact is, no matter where you meet a woman, and no matter what stage you are in with her, you MUST control the frame.
Ahhh, I can hear someone asking. You mean you can NEVER EVER EVER let a woman have things her way?
Okay, fine, tell you what:
For every TEN TIMES you have your way, let her have her way ONCE, and then give her a wink when you do it.
When you finally give a woman what she wants, create a NEW need for validation by showing her in a fun way that you don't kiss up: i.e. you give her the present she wanted, and then you bust on her about something else.
Be smooth about taking control- women are VERY smooth at ensuring they do get things done their way. I'll give you an example- let's say a woman wants to go to x restaurant and you want to go to y café. She might say something to you like "So do you want to go to x restaurant at 8 or at 7:30?" In other words, a loaded question- she is pretending that no other options exist.
Yeah, this happens all the time with most women.
You have to learn to speak UP, and STOP smooth moves like this from surreptitiously taking over your frame. You might think that a woman would LIKE it when you give her what she wants. You might think that a woman would LIKE to be validated.
But what guys forget is that once someone HAS something, they don't appreciate it. AND once someone has something, they tend to want MORE. So giving women what they want only digs you deeper into the abyss of abuse.
Not only that, but women are SICK of guys who just want to do what women want- because the reality is that women really have NO IDEA OF WHAT THEY WANT!!!
Ask a woman what she wants:
She'll tell you a nice guy. And then see what type of men she has actually gone with.
See? Women have NO IDEA of what they really want. They are confused as hell. They need a guy who has a very CLEAR idea of what HE wants and who won't budge from his principles.
So be even SMOOTHER than women are, for both women's benefit and your own.
By the way, don't get me wrong:
I don't advocate being an a**hole with women. If you saw or heard me speaking with a woman, you'd notice that both she and I were probably laughing more than anything, and also just having an interesting conversation and sometimes just kicking back and not saying anything at all. It's hard in the space of these newsletters to convey all the subtle details of how I communicate with women. There is a ton more that I explain in my book, consultations, and seminars to
help speed up the learning process.
Let me wrap up by saying that most importantly, I believe guys need to learn to NOT REQUIRE validation from anyone, ESPECIALLY not from chicks.
The way to acquire this is to spend your time doing productive things and on improving your SELF. And spending time with unselfish people that really care about you. And enjoy the feeling of accomplishing your own personal goals.
Use that sexual energy on positive things, instead of on trying to prove to a chick how great you are. If anything, let women find out themselves how great you are after it becomes insanely obvious.
This helps set you in the mindframe of living in YOUR WORLD, according to YOUR rules, and not some chick's. In time, you will find yourself feeling a lot stronger and more comfortable and satisfied in your own skin.
Which, by the way, is very, very sexy to women.
When you stop needing women, they flock to you.
When you are needy, women run from you.
Especially since women themselves have a very shaky sense of foundation and self-esteem, it feels good to them to meet someone who knows what's what, who is NOT confused, and who stands their ground. Unfortunately, a lot of women actually feel that they are not WORTHY of such awesome emotions as being with a high self-esteem guy who doesn't take crap.
That's why a lot of low self-esteem women end up with low self-esteem guys.
And women can sense neediness in a guy from a mile away because so many guys hit on them that women have a ton of experience with this.
Think of it as a job recruiter who sees hundreds of applicants a day. After a while, he sees immediately certain signs that tell him whether the applicant is most likely qualified or not.
Your internal level on non-neediness must be SOLID. It is then that you can best convey that reality through your tonality, your body language, the actual words you say as well as when you say them, and even how you dress. At the same time, "faking it till you make it" also helps get you to that point.
That's why even when women are running to you like crazy, don't take it too seriously, because they didn't make you or break you, and if you allow your mind to think that women have that power over you, they will. So don't allow it, and they won't.
If you would like to learn more about how women behave, how to attract women, how to approach them, and how to develop the right mindset, I recommend you download my eBook- The Dating Wizard: Secrets to Success with Women.
It will take you through all the steps you need to build a rock solid foundation for your success.
Download it now at:
Till next time,
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This article has been reproduced with the permission of ©Michael W and The Dating Wizard®
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