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Let’s take a look at one of the basic concepts of game - UNREACTIVITY.
The concept of ‘being unreactive’ is, for the large part, both largely misunderstood and misused in the dating and seduction community.
Prevailing Notions of 'Unreactivity'
Many believe that ‘unreactivity’ is the best response to all stimulus’ and ‘tests’ from beautiful women.
To some degree, this is correct. If you don’t know what to do or how to react then unreactivity is a good default response.
However, this advice taken wrongly can turn an otherwise pleasant ‘Joe Bloggs’ into a watered down, no guns or explosives, version of James Bond .
When I first got into learning about seduction, pick up and dating, one of the things that I read was that the key to attraction and general ‘coolness’ was to be unreactive. When I read this, I thought to myself – ‘Do I really have to be an unreactive, arrogant, dismissive, aloof alpha male in order to be good with girls?’
I struggled with this question for a long time. I’m hooking up with hot girls now regularly now and can tell you how it is exactly.
You don’t need to be an asshole or completely unreactive to get the hottest girls.
That being said, there is an advanced way to use 'jerk game' this to get SNLs through massive takeaways and drama - but this isn't part of this article and is not necessary to get attraction .
In fact, it is counterproductive to your life as a whole because it tends to make other people dislike you too (including guys that you could be aligning with). In general, being a dominant, unreactive alpha male is not necessary (this is yet another myth of the dating community - click here for more information on how to be a REAL alpha male ).
Consequently, while the principle of unreactiveness is useful, it requires a lot more finesse.
Not every successful seducer needs to be like James Bond - in fact, there are far more successful personality blueprints for a ‘ladies’ man’ than Mr Bond. Think about it – in your own lives, do you know a guy who is fun, funny, not an asshole and gets laid a lot? Does that person remind you of the supremely unreactive 007 ? No.
'Being Unreactive' as a Basic Principle
As a basic principle and for beginners to intermediate, 'Being Unreactive' is a useful principle to apply as a blanket rule.
You usually only have a split second to respond to something a girl says.
There is a pause between the stimulus and response. Within this ‘pause’, as a basic principle, if you are not sure how to respond to the stimulus (e.g. one of her ‘tests’), then it is indeed optimal to be unreactive. This is particularly important during the early part of an interaction – during the opening , transition and early attraction phases.
Being unreactive should certainly be the default in the case of ‘tests’ where you don’t know what to do in response to something she says or does. Why? Because although you do not offensively reframe, by not reacting, you do not accept a frame which is disadvantageous to you. A good friend of mine and respected ladies man, Sebastian Drake, said that one of the best responses when you don’t know what to do is to simply shrug. Good advice. Shrugging indicates a non reactive frame.
As a newbie, it may be useful to try to be completely unreactive for a while. For guys new to the game , or with very little success with women, the “unreactive” mindset is an excellent frame to have. You can generate a lot of attraction from setting such a frame.
But if we are talking “10 Game” i.e. how to pick up the hottest girls, there is a lot more to being completely unreactive.
This about it - does the rule of being ‘unreactive’ mean that you can’t laugh at her jokes, or empathise with her? I think not. If you have ever seen a magical Braddock set, where he has the girls in his grasp – laughing, grabbing him, trying to get his attention etc - you will see that the interaction is fun and free flowing – and both parties are reacting to each other a lot. Braddock isn’t James Bond , but I’d bet my bottom dollar that he gets more girls than 007 . And he isn’t the only example. Plenty of other instructors react to girls, and while they are not being classically unreactive, they are still able to generate quantum amounts of Attraction .
The truth is that in many circumstances, it isn’t optimal to be unreactive. People are reactive to one another – it is called ‘communication’. Communication is inherently a reactive process. She makes a joke, you respond by laughing. She says something, you relate to it. These processes are inherently reactive. Moreover, as the interaction continues into the Qualification and Comfort stages, you will need to introduce even more reactivity as you connect with her on an emotional level (for more on Qualification and developing an emotional connection, see article here).
So the big question is… how can you be reactive and build attraction ?
Being Reactive – The Good Way
Take the following example as where reactivity can trump unreactivity…
Her: OMG you’re such a jerk (smiling) [a ‘test’]
You: [Totally unreactive] Yeah.
Her: Um, OK… [Walks away]
Her: OMG you’re such a jerk (smiling) [a ‘test’]
You: [In an exaggerated tone, with a cheeky smile] Oh, I’m sorry. [Put’s arm over girls shoulder playfully] I promise that I’ll be the nice guy from now on if you be my girlfriend. In fact, tomorrow, after band camp, I’ll buy you flowers, introduce you to my mom and dad, call you 15 times a day and write you a song.
Her: Haha! You’re hilarious!
As the example shows, in some circumstances, it DOES pay to be reactive in order to garner the optimal Real World Effect.
So what are the underlying principles to ‘Attractive Reactiveness’?
The Two Key Principles of ‘Attractive Reactiveness’
Attractive Reactiveness is the art of reacting to a woman in such a way that still builds attraction .
There are two main principles behind what Braddock and I call ‘Attractive Reactiveness’: (1) REASSERTING FRAME and (2) EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING.
1) ‘REASSERTING FRAME’
‘Reasserting Frame’ is an incredibly powerful technique and is absolutely crucial to a part of the science of pick up that Braddock and I are pioneering called “10 Game” i.e. how to pick up the 10’s – the hottest girls. That’s why we all got into this isn’t it?!
A hot woman will often say something to you which is designed to (1) test your frames and beliefs and/or to (2) reinforce her own. For example:
• The frames and beliefs that she may challenge are things like abundance, that you are the prize, that sex is not a big deal, that you deserve her etc.
• The frames and beliefs that she may reinforce are things like that she is the prize, that you have to win her over, that you are not worth her, that she is desired, that she doesn’t need you etc.
In the face of these ‘tests’, it is perfectly OK to respond and be reactive, as long as you respond in such a way which doesn’t buy into her frames or beliefs but instead, REASSERTS YOUR OWN FRAMES AND BELIEFS. Part of ‘natural game’ is internalizing these attractive frames and beliefs. If you have internalized them, then you can simply act from your ‘internal compass’. But for many people, these frames have not been internalized. So, instead, they have to consciously REASSERT the frame or the inner belief.
The principle is:
IT IS OK TO REACT – AS LONG AS YOUR REACTION REAFFIRMS YOUR OWN BELIEFS AND FRAMES INSTEAD OF HERS.
Ideally, these frames and beliefs should be the ones that cause attraction i.e. things like abundance, that you are the prize, that sex is not a big deal etc.
Her: I’m not sleeping with you tonight… [TEST OF FRAME THAT SEX WITH HER IS THE GOAL AND THE PRIZE]
You: Why are you always thinking about sex? You’re such a sexual predator. [REASSERTING THAT SHE IS THE SEXUAL AGGRESSOR] Sleeping, not sleeping, you know what? It doesn’t matter to me. I’m having fun. [REASSERTING FUN]
Her: You know every guy in this venue is checking me out. [TEST THAT SHE IS THE PRIZE]
You: That’s interesting because I talk to a lot of attractive girls who get checked out regularly and you know what amazes me? Many of them have such little attitude outlook and personality. In fact, I have yet to meet a one in a bar like this who could hold me attention. [REASSSERTING ABUNDANCE OF HOT GIRLS]
Her: Buy me a drink and I might keep talking to you.
You: Wow, I haven’t bought a random girl a drink since my ex girlfriend. OK, I’ll buy you one if we make a deal… I hate how I feel obligated to stay and talk to a girl once I buy her a drink because she turns out to be boring. So if I buy you a drink, pinky swear that I’m under no obligation to stay and talk to you unless you are actually an interesting person. [REASSERTING PRESELECTION , ABUNDANCE AND THAT YOU ARE THE PRIZE]
At a deeper level, it doesn’t quite matter which frame you reinforce with your response. As long as you don’t buy into hers and reinforce your own! This is why the base principle to 'be unreactive' still holds true as a basic response - unreactivity implies that you have not bought into a frame.
IF you learn to do this right, I have found that the 10's almost magically fall into your lap. Why? Mostly because this is what 10s do - they live in a reality where they ALWAYS either impose their frame or misinterpret interactions so that their frame (no matter how delusional) is the dominant one.
Note that in the beginning, this may be difficult to do congruently and without processing time which makes it awkward. Like everything good, it takes practice and the optimal is for you to actually internalize important frames. Frames are a large part of what Braddock and I teach uniquely in our bootcamps and the new Inner Game Seminar.
2) ‘EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING’
The second principle is called ‘Emotional Overreaching’ and applies when and if you say something to her. It is not necessarily in response to a ‘test’. It is rather the principle behind how to be reactive in any situation and still be able to generate attraction .
Emotional Overreaching occurs where you try and create an emotion or emotional response in other people instead of expressing without distortion your internal emotional state, desire, thoughts or intention.
In other words, when you take an action, express an emotion or make a statement, if you do so the intent to cause an emotional reaction in a beautiful woman or a high value man, you cause an incongruence in your sub communications because what you are feeling on the inside is incongruent with what you are expressing. This is called Emotional Overreaching.
• A basic example is if a classic song starts playing in a bar and you exclaim that it is an amazing song just to fill an awkward silence. That is emotional overreaching. You are TRYING TO MAKE HER FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE or cause an emotional reaction in her instead of realizing that it is YOU that is feeling uncomfortable and that it is this that needs to change. If the classic song is truly one of your favorites and you say it with enthusiasm, sincerity and spontaneously and with disregard for what she thought, then you are not emotionally overreaching.
• Another example is teasing . Teasing is an incredibly powerful way to create attraction . But when you are teasing a girl, ask yourself… are you teasing her because you genuinely find it fun or because you want her to become attracted to you? If it is the latter, your body will communicate this and her body will pick up on the emotional overreaching on your side.
Other common emotional overreaches for men are (1) trying to make someone comfortable in your presence, (2) trying to make someone accept you or (3) trying to make others laugh instead of finding something genuinely funny yourself and conveying it.
If you are emotionally overreaching, to the person listening or watching, your statement feels slightly insincere, or like you might have an agenda, or that you are somehow trying too hard.
When a man does not emotionally overreach, people will often comment that he is ‘comfortable in his own skin’. ‘Being comfortable in your own skin’ is simply the layman’s way of saying that your sub communications are congruent with what you were saying – or in other words, that your ‘inner feelings, emotions and intentions’ match your outer sub communications. When this happens, you are comfortable with what you are saying, your sub communications convey this and people are put at ease around you.
YOU HAVE A SENSE OF WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHING WHEN IT FEELS AS IF YOUR ACTIONS ARE BEING BASED ON, OR INFLUENCED BY, YOUR DESIRE TO CAUSE A RESPONSE IN THE OTHER PERSON RATHER THAN BY THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL, YOUR DESIRES, MOOD OR INTENT.
WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY OVERREACHING, STOP.
So, as a PRACTICAL ACTION POINT, in your upcoming conversations with girls or guys, whenever you feel that you are emotionally overreaching, be conscious that you are doing it and pull back.
‘Attractive Reactiveness’ is one of the basic concepts Braddock and I teach in our new Love Systems Inner Game seminar . If you apply the rules of REAFFIRMING and EMOTIONAL OVERREACHING, you will find that you more easily get attraction from women and your interactions with people become far more streamlined. Moreover, you become (1) less emotionally overreaching and more genuine and (2) your inner frames and beliefs become internalized as you REAFFIRM them to solidify them over time. This way, you become naturalized and your ‘best self’ comes out without distortion.
The great thing is, you can also use these principles to generate attraction in Social Circles (whereas you may not be able to use lines and routines). Combine Attractive Reactiveness with the tested 'formula' of how to pick up girls in social circles (see the following awesome article - Picking Up In Social Circles) and you've got a rocket fuel mix.
As a final note, note that in comfort and relationships, it is OK to be more reactive and at times let go of your frames. Also, reactivity can be used in SNLs to create drama and takeaways (this is Braddock 's specialty!). I can’t go into these right now, and they are more advanced topics, but simply note that these are the rules of reactivity as applied to gaining a high level of attraction in an interaction with a woman or respect in a general social interaction.
I'm the lead Love Systems instructor for UK and Europe. Listen to my audio interview series:
- Vol. 17 The Right Way To Learn Game
- Vol. 25 How To Be An Alpha Male
- Vol. 27 Sticking Points
- Vol. 28 High-End Club Game
- Vol. 31 9 and 10 Game
- Vol. 37 Issues In Qualification
- Vol. 47 Overcoming Physical Obstacles
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