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The question that I hear most frequently from students on bootcamp who want to better themselves with women is: ‘how do I get a woman attracted to me?'. I have decided to write an entire book on Attraction which should be released in a few months. For now, this comprehensive article should help in answering this question.
My Background In Attraction
I used to have massive problems with attraction.
If you have read my bio, you’ll know that I had my first kiss at 20 (almost 21 years old), despite trying for at least 5 years to get a girlfriend. I never wanted to be a ‘pick up artist’ (and I still don't consider myself as one of those weird group of guys). I just wanted to get better with women and understand why I was so terrible with them. Now, I rank amongst the top men in the world in terms of ability with women. Learning to generate attraction was a big part of this.
How I Learned Attraction
The way that I learned how to create attraction or be attractive was by 'small chunking' attraction routines, attraction techniques and the principles of attraction into my interactions with women. So yes, I did use attraction routines, but only as training wheels. After a while, I started to be able to generate powerful attraction using these techniques and routines. Over time, I was able to develop attraction in women quite consistently. I subsequently developed a conceptual, rather than rote, understanding of Attraction , which soon evolved into an identity based attractiveness. I.e. I got the knowledge, I implemented the actions and then I simply became an attractive person as I repetitively tried to generate attraction in women... or as we say in the new Inner Game Seminar - KNOW, DO, BE.
As o David DeAngelo says, 'Attraction isn’t a choice'.
A woman's 'reptilian brain', rather than her logical brain, makes the decision of whether or not she is attracted to you. The reptilian brain bases its decisions on VALUE. VALUE is based on SURVIVAL, REPLICATION AND GOOD EMOTIONS. For those of you who have read Magic Bullets , you will be aware that the key qualities which display survival, replication and good emotions are:
• Social Intuition
• Pre selected
All of these qualities demonstrate high value and are triggers of attraction . If you can convey that you are a man who possesses these qualities, attraction should follow. Why? Because it is this value that speaks to a woman's reptilian brain i.e. the part of her mind which generates attraction.
Sinn 's post on the basic attraction triggers is also a good read for background understanding on Attraction. See: Sinn's attraction switches.
The Different Types of Attraction
There are generally 5 types of attraction. Full credit to The Don for introducing me to the basic concept of the different types of attraction. I have expanded upon his 2 categories of Intrigue and Buying Temperature based attraction below, creating further sub categories to aid understanding.
1. Buying Temperature
a. Definition: Her state is increased by being around you
b. Done by: Teasing, humor, role plays, cocky funny, misinterpretation, games, kino escalation and dominance, Braddock style funny disqualification etc
c. Emphasis on: Humor (particularly push pull), pre-selection, dominance
d. Characteristically: You don’t have to talk about yourself at all – the focus is on fun
e. Drawbacks: This type of attraction is transferable and can be easily lost if you lose momentum. You can also become a dancing monkey or come across as reaction seeking
a. Definition: She is intrigued by talking to you – you have an uncanny understanding of her and other people around her
b. Done by: Cold reading, IVDs (Interactive Value Demonstrations), storytelling
c. Emphasis on: Social Intuition and showing dominance over her world
d. Characteristically: You talk about her, others and your unique experiences. The focus is on intriguing her.
e. Drawbacks: Can feel contrived as it relies on cold reads , palm reads and often constructed methods of impressing a woman etc. It is often not appropriate or practical in many high energy situations
3. Value Based Attraction
a. Definition: She wants to get to know you and be around you because you are high value in her eyes. You are a guy that she could potentially sleep with and even have a relationship with
b. Done by: Framing, social proof, storytelling, disqualification, leading, negs, sexual hoops, innuendo
c. Emphasis on: Health, leader of men, wealth, pre-selection, challenging, confidence
d. Characteristically: you talk about yourself
e. Drawbacks: This causes sexual receptiveness, but seldom causes sexual aggressiveness from the woman. Does not work as immediately as something like buying temperature attraction. This is because it can take time to create high value frames
4. ‘Warm and Fuzzy’ attraction
a. Definition: She sees you as an authentic and real person with integrity and a well rounded personality
b. Done by: Storytelling about family, friends, your childhood and vulnerabilities. The infamous 'holes in jeans' routine is a good example of this (holes in jeans routine can be found in the Routines Manual )
c. Emphasis on: Protector of loved ones, willingness to emote, moving life stories
d. Characteristically: You talk about yourself, your family and your experiences
e. Drawbacks: Too much of this and you can become boring or one dimensional
5. Emotional Connection/Qualification (The bridge between Attraction and Qualification and Comfort)
a. Definition: She feels that you are on the same wavelength as her. This actually amplifies existing attraction. What I am trying to describe here is the overlap between Qualification and Attraction. Emotional Connection/Qualification is vital as it helps to normalize the conversation with the girl and consequently SOLIDIFY or CRYSTALLIZE attraction. Attraction can typically be lost very easily. However, if you have qualified her, then Attraction will 'solidify' or 'crystallize'. Too many guys forget that they need to normalize the conversation and end up wondering why an interaction peters out after they are done with their cocky/funny personality/material. You will rarely ever be able to seduce a girl without having some form of normal conversation with her at some point. Note, however, that building an Emotional Connection is ideally done after you have already established other forms of attraction such as Buying Temperature and High Value
b. Done by: Normalization of conversation, finding topics of common interest and starting to talk more deeply about those topics and finding qualities about her that interest you
c. Emphasis on: Social intuition, genuinely connecting, qualification
d. Characteristically: You and her exchange thoughts about your commonalities and you validate her about qualities that she possesses that are important to you (note that there is overlap here with the qualification and comfort stages of the Emotional Progression Model). On a more advanced level, it can include rewarding any compliance with verbal or physical feedback
e. Drawbacks: If you do too much 'emotional connecting' without demonstrating buying temperature, intrigue, value based attraction etc, you may fall into the ‘let’s just be friends’ zone, unless she is already attracted to you based on your looks, social status, social proof etc
Note that The Don and Braddock teach that there are only two categories - Intrigue and Buying Temperature. The above list is a slightly expanded method of classification. However, using their model, Value Based Attraction, 'Warm and Fuzzy' Attraction and Emotional Connection/Qualification Attraction would belong in the category of Intrigue based Attraction. The Don 's / Braddock 's definitions may in fact be more useful to use in-field as it is easier to use quickly.
Focusing on one type of attraction leads to different results. Ideally, you would employ a combination of all types, but this is not necessary all the time.
For example, let's say that all you are doing is creating Buying Temperature attraction by being cocky and funny. The positive aspect of this is that it may lead to a SNL (especially if you have decent physical escalation). However, the disadvantage is that if for some reason you have to leave her, she may very well hook up with someone else as Buying Temperature Attraction is transferable. Other types of Attraction have similar drawbacks. For example, if all you are doing is creating an emotional connection, there is the danger of “going into the friend zone”. There are other drawbacks, but I can't cover them all here.
Another implication is that if you are having difficulty hooking a set using a particular type of attraction, you can try building another type of attraction with the girl. For example, if the girl is not responding to Buying Temperature, you can try using some 'Warm and Fuzzy' Attraction techniques to get her to open up.
OK - enough with the theory. Let's have a look at some of the techniques that are immediately usable to create attraction.
Powerful Techniques That Can Be Used To Generate Attraction
Below, I cover around seven powerful techniques that can be used to generate attraction. Often, these techniques occur naturally in normal conversation and generate attraction and fun. However, they can be consciously used so that attraction can be consciously generated.
Many more advanced techniques are covered on my bootcamps .
This is simply making fun of the girl in a humorous way based off what she says, what she does or her appearance. Yes, you can see teasing as a way to change your value relative to her value to create attraction, but I prefer to think of it as a fun way to create a good vibe between the two of you.
Teasing comes a lot from practice. In particular listen very carefully to what the girl is saying or carefully observe her mannerisms and base your teases off what you hear/see. The 'Trigger Words' exercise Braddock and I teach at our bootcamps is a great exercise to learn teasing .
However, learning teasing can also be done by learning some generic teases and putting them into practice straight away. Here are some good ones:
• She acts slightly childish (also can be used in any other occasion when you want to make fun of her):
“Wow you’re like a little kid, I’m gonna give you some crayons and a little helmet and put you in the corner so you can draw some pictures” or “Isn’t it past your bedtime?”
• She says something feisty/challenging:
“Where is your off button?”
“That’s cool. I mean like… sure. I thought you were a nice girl but that’s no way to talk about a guy whose parents just died last night.” [PAUSE] “No, actually that is bullshit but if that was true it could have been awful so stop being naughty” [credit to Braddock and 5.0 ]
2. Role Plays
This is a great technique that can be used to create a “bubble world” between you and the girl where the two of you act out roles to create a fun and playful atmosphere. It has the effect of the making the girl think she has known you longer than is actually the case. On a deeper level (which I teach on my bootcamps ), role plays can be manipulated to create a safe environment for sexual escalation to occur on a sub conscious level.
Because it is role-playing, it also allows you to become more sexual with the girl in a non-threatening “because it is just play-acting”. Here are some examples:
• Rich wife:
“I’m looking for a sugar mummy. Are you rich? Cool because I want a rich wife so I can drink straight vodka and do coke all day. And of course sex every day. Obviously I want to try in a few new positions once in a while like doggy, reverse cowgirl, inverted razor and flying penguin.” [Note that this is also an example of sexual framing as used in Role Plays - a powerful technique I teach on my bootcamps]
• Any traveling role-play:
“Lets go to Vegas, get the penthouse suite and spend all our money” or “We’ll go to Greece and sell hotdogs on the beach”
Misinterpretation is a powerful technique used to 'frame' a conversation in a way that is advantageous to you. (I teach framing to great depth in my bootcamps). For example, you misinterpret something she says and make out THAT SHE IS THE SEXUAL PREDATOR and is trying to come on to you. Misinterpretation is best used once the set is hooked. Here are some examples:
• “Your cool but I’m trying to snag a rich girl tonight”
• “OMG, I’m not just a sausage with feet you know” [credit Swinggcat ]
• “Whoa, slow down, turbo, I barely know you”
4. Future Projections
Future Projections are similar to role plays in that they create a playful “bubble” between you and the girl. However, instead of acting out roles, you describe to her the adventures that the two of you will be doing together sometime in the future . The sillier the adventure is, the better to create attraction (note that you can also use Future Projections in Comfort but these tend to have a more serious edge).
Future Projections are also an opportunity to use imaginative language, creativity and sexual innuendo in a non-threatening, humorous way. One other benefit is that it gets the girl picturing you and her doing something together in the future and therefore see you as someone she could see again.
Here are some examples:
• You future project/role play that you and the girl going to Vegas and getting married
• You future project/role play that you and the girl traveling anywhere and doing crazy stuff
• You future project/role play that you and the girl opening an ice cream stall in New Zealand and living in huts
Note that you can even string a bunch of these together.
5. Cold Reads
Cold reading is where you tell a girl you have just met something about her character and personality which logically only someone who has known her for a while, would know. Cold reads will show her you have strong social intuition. If you can show her that you know her almost better than she knows herself, it establishes dominance over her world, which is a major attraction switch.
Once you’ve known enough girls and done enough sets, you should start getting a feel for cold reading girls (I went through a phase after teaching about 1000 bootcamps in a row for various seduction /dating companies when I started having extremely sharp intuitions about girls), but help start to off, here are some generic examples:
• Good girl face, bad girl mannerisms:
“You know, you’ve got a very good girl face but every now and again, you make these little bad girl mannerisms. I like that.”
• Connection difficulty:
“You know you’ve got a good energy but I can sense a part of you is closed. Maybe it’s your heart charkra or something. Do you ever have difficulty connecting with people?” [Girl answers 'yes'] “Do you ever feel lonely because you have trouble connecting?”
• Growing up early:
“I'm going out on a limb here, but it feels to me like that when you were a kid....or even a teenager...something happened. Something made you grow up really fast, or become an adult before you were ready.”
6. DHV Storytelling
DHV storytelling is a very effective attraction tool if done well. You want to be telling stories about your life and spike them with subtle hints about the key attractive qualities that you possess. It is also important to convey within your storytelling , your passion and purpose in life as well as your identity.
Do not bombard the girl with multiple and obvious high value qualities within your stories as you will come across as “too try hard”. Outwardly, the story should be about X, Y and Z but as you tell it, you drop little hints about things which are attractive about you (e.g. by casually mentioning an ex-girlfriend or that you recently came back traveling). This is one of the main techniques that I used to pick up the Playboy Playmate.
The problem with most guys is they tell stories about their house and cars... don’t be one of them!
Leadership is a huge part of attraction. It is related to dominance, which is crucial to attraction as it is the 'feminine polarity' (a concept Braddock and I cover in the Inner Game Seminar). Examples of leading in the context of pick-up include:
• Using pattern interrupts (an NLP technique taught on bootcamp )
• Taking the initiative for topics of conversation (by 'cutting threads' when necessary)
• Physically lead her
Importantly, leading well is about building up compliance momentum. In other words you need to first use leading techniques which require only low compliance from the girl, before you use other techniques which will require a higher compliance level. For example, low compliance would be asking a girl to hold your glass or moving her gently (by touching her elbow) a little to the side saying, ‘These people keep bumping into me’. A good example of medium compliance would be get her to sit down with you. High compliance includes things like kissing / make out, bouncing locations etc.
There are various other techniques which I have not gone through in this article which are crucial for building Attraction. These include techniques such as Games, Disqualification, Framing, Kino etc are crucial. I teach these techniques on my bootcamps and I will soon be releasing an E-Book on Advanced Attraction... watch out for it! This article is completely basic relative to the book. If you liked this article, you'll find the book completely mind blowing.
Also, please note that this article does not cover some of the CRUCIAL aspects of attraction such as sub communications (absolutely crucial to attraction - but difficult to write an article about because it is typically so individualized), unreactivity (for a great article on unreactiveness, see: INNER GAME - The Secret of Attractive Reactiveness), natural game (for a great article on natural game, see: Inverted Seduction Principle), attraction through social proof, lifestyle etc. It is necessarily limited in scope. See my book on Attraction (soon to be released) for a more in depth look at Attraction.
This represents basic but foundational information about attraction. It covers some of the concepts in my upcoming book on Attraction, which is going to be my 'manifesto' when completed.
Keep in mind that this article does not cover aspects of attraction related to very important concepts such as sub communication, sexual intent, social dominance (click here on a must read article on achieving social dominance) and other factors which are crucial to achieving solid sexual attraction.
Nonetheless, I hope that this article has given you a deeper understanding on how to convey the different key attractive qualities that women respond to. It should give you a 'kick start' in your attraction game and techniques that you can use straight away.
I'm the lead Love Systems instructor for UK and Europe. Listen to my audio interview series:
- Vol. 17 The Right Way To Learn Game
- Vol. 25 How To Be An Alpha Male
- Vol. 27 Sticking Points
- Vol. 28 High-End Club Game
- Vol. 31 9 and 10 Game
- Vol. 37 Issues In Qualification
- Vol. 47 Overcoming Physical Obstacles
P.p.s. It is CRUCIAL that you read and understand the article on the Basis of Natural Game and keep this in mind when using these Attraction Routines. Here is the key article on Natural Game: Inverted Seduction Principle
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