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Let’s start a new list that reframes any negative things in a positive way – instead of saying “I’m stupid and don’t know anything” say “I want to learn interesting things and be more educated”.  Also include other things that didn’t make you unhappy but that you would like to do. Write down your goals in this way. I did this for the first time 3 years ago and have done it every 18 months since then. The list included things like:

I want to be funnier.
I want to learn psychology.
I want to be more outgoing and comfortable in social settings.
I want to understand relationships better.
I want to have a better voice.
I want to learn about and improve my body language.
I want to improve my posture.

Rules: do not use negative contructions, i.e. do not say – I am not stupid, say I am clever. 

The next step is to make a plan of how you can achieve each of these aims.  For me, the answers were: read book - comedy writing secrets, watch and listen to a lot of comedy; read NLP & psychology books, sign up for courses; Do TEFL course in Seville for 5 weeks, teaching and working with strangers forcing social interaction and public speaking each day – additional achievement – improved English grammar skills; start with book – Emotional Intelligence, and study the area;  read book – Set your voice free, and sign up to voice workshop;  study high status and cool role models on film & television and try to see what they do and copy it in the mirror!  Read books and watch videos on body language; Take a lesson in Alexander technique. 

Normally when people talk about what they want, they start with I want to have, not I want to do. 

It’s moot to say “that’s just the way I am”

Most people use distractions from themselves - TV, drinking, socialising, internet, talking on phone. If everyone was in a darkened room with no sound and thought about themselves and their life, how many would be happy?

Most people say I want to have, not I want to do. Collecting material goods so you have them in the “bank”, at least I have my stamps. Externalised showings of confidence include clothes, cars, lifestyle. These are very weak compared to internal displays of confidence that can be steadfast in any situation without the need for flashy clothes and a Ferrari.

Take two people in the same situation except one that is happy will have a different focus to one that is not. Once you understand what is going on inside, you can disassociate and take control. It is the fist step. We are not slaves to our emotions: we are in control of them. We do not need to be “feeling down today” and “feeling great” the next with no changes. Negative messages – advertising, bad people- can always be found and those who are successful are always at risk of being undermined by jealous rivals. Complete arrogance inside leads to much better results. To balance all the negativity, surround yourself with positive role models that become like friends, affirmations, subliminal stuff, music, film. Strive to seek out the positive.

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Richard La Ruina

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