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You’ve opened, started the conversation and now you need to progress to the point where you can number close. The next key element is improving your small-talk to give a woman a fantastic conversational experience.
I used to be boring on dates, dull in groups and a useless public speaker. The only time I felt comfortable was in one-on-ones with people I’d known for a long time. If this sounds a bit like you now, then you won’t be like that for long. We’re going to go through the good and the bad ways to converse.
Here are some BAD ways
Remember the last time you had your hair cut? Unless you’re exceedingly lucky, the conversation was unmemorably dull. I call it ‘conversation on rails’ where you ask and answer dull questions about nothing in particular. The questions like ‘what do you do?’ and ‘what are you up to today?’ are blindingly bland and we need to steer well clear of asking and answering boring questions.
When most men approach women they think the right way to chat them up is to ask them a string of questions to which the man’s only response is ‘Oh, really, wow, so…’ This is boring for the girl. Also, why would she fall for a guy just because he knows lots about her? She needs to be sold on the idea of you.
Stating the obvious
You might think it’s clever to make obvious observations about the girl, but the thing is, she’s probably have heard them so many times they’re ineffective. A girl might have been told 500 by lecherous men she’s got beautiful eyes. Find something specific to her or, even, say nothing at all.
What should you do instead?
It’s much better to assumptive questions and guesses about her. So ‘Are you Swedish?’ is much better than ‘where are from?’ because it’s specific to her and she’ll be wondering why you think she looks Swedish. Think how much more interesting it is to say ‘So, you’re waiting for Steve, you met on the internet and looks like true love, you don’t know what he looks like but he’ll be wearing red’ than to say ‘what are you doing?’ it’ll be funny, she’ll enjoy being cold-read and then probably tell you what she’s doing anyway.
Everything a woman says is a ‘hook’ – something you can latch onto, feed off and use to extend the interaction. It could be the accent, the words she uses or the information she gives. For example if she says she’s Latvian and studying English for 3 months, then you could chat for a bit about any of those three things. You should connect positively with them about it and then ask another question or elicit another hook.
There are three ways you can respond to what she says. Starting with the terrible the first way is to ignore it. This is just like the very common interrogation method I mentioned earlier where you basically take no notice of anything she says to you.
The next best/worst way is to relate everything she says to you. For example
You: What do you do?
Her: I’m a dancer
You: Cool, my brother used to go to dance classes. Where are you from?
You: I’ve been there. Nice place, couldn’t read the signs though…
At least her you’re not using her hooks to put her under pressure. However you’re not making any sort of connection and, though this could work if you’ve got other talents, like humour, to win her over with it’s better to connect what she says back to her.
You: What do you do?
Her: I’m a dancer
You: Wow. You must have real dedication and passion – dancing is one of those things most people try for a moment as a child and then give up. I imagine people think it’s just about making shapes, but it’s not, is it? Isn’t it about expressing yourself through the music?
I remember one time I was demonstrating how easy this really is. I said to a group of guys ‘put your hand up if you think fishing is boring and uncool’ and of course everyone but a couple guys put their hands up. Then I said to the group ‘okay, now think of some reasons why those 2 guys might like to go fishing’. So they came up with things like the thrill of the catch, the peace of the outdoors and being able to get away from it all. We checked with the 2 guys and that was just why they fished. Then I said: ‘so, who can see why fishing might be cool?’ and everyone put their hand up.
Think about it: everything someone does, they do for a reason, and if you want to connect to them you just have to imagine why they do what they do. If someone comes across a continent to learn your language it’s clearly a big deal and shouldn’t just be brushed off with ‘cool. Drink and sex at my place?’ Connecting positively builds a better connection, makes a better conversation is easily to learn to do.
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